The battleground where you play

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I cried a solemn tear as another decided to join. A flood fell from my eyes, few of them have fallen over these past 2 years, I just hadn’t realized.

I’ve been holding my breath forgetting now and then. Relearning not to stuff things down, that life will begin again.

Today we sat in a formal court of law and chaos, only to have it postponed a dreaded 3 more months of hell. I glanced over in disbelief with the days passing by in jest.

Not knowing you’ll take yourself with you everywhere you go. Escaping is your game, haunting you in the night the demons start to glow.

Such a coward in a withering state. How did you convince me of so many horrid things? Running swiftly from your trap through the once locked down gate.

Faster I go till I reach the other side. My tear stained cheeks, no sacred place to hide.

I hate you for all of the things you’ve done. The torment you placed deep within, I battle it everyday. But more than that I despise who you’ve become.

You’ve disappointed me repeatedly, making me gasp. Unclench your fingers wrap them around your own neck. I’m reaching out for freedom in a world that I can grasp.

I fought to hold on
Now I battle to let go
Your presence inflicts residue
Your absence reflects turmoil

What a fucked up mind
Wreckage created by you
All you’ve left behind
There’s nothing more I can do
You’ve hurt me for the last time

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Relentless patience

Captive and kept

You taught me things about being your best
Loving myself was far from the rest

You showed me what it was like to serve only you
To be selfless everyday pulling me through

I surrendered to your laws
You magnified all my flaws

Convincing me you were after exceptional
When nothing less than perfection was acceptable

You were a blessing and then it was cursed
Everything calculated everything rehearsed

How you became the broken man I met long ago
Baffles me still in this game of the unknown

I’m hurting from this pain left in ruins of my heart
Wishing you would just stop tearing me apart

This unrelenting sadness devours me whole
Retreating to the depths of my wounded soul

Some days I taste the freedom from your grasp
Others I awaken and feel like this will last and last

Won’t you stop this insanity I don’t wish to play
Let me move forward stop taking my breath away

I had to go I couldn’t remain
In the dark and dismal place to glorify your name

What’s done is over put it all to rest
White flag of surrender this is not a test

All the while I felt the laceration
Breathless and shattered forever your complication

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The empath and a narcissist, the perfect storm of destruction

🔥 💣

One day you will;

  • Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
  • Put a wrong seasoning on his steak
  • Question his communication/sexting with that other female
  • Stack the entire wood pile and it will be wrong
  • Report any male interaction (which is not allowed anyhow) inaccurately
  • Have your own thought or unwelcomed opinion
  • Ask permission to help your child, be told no and having it tear you two
  • Speak to anyone in public while by his side without permission first
  • Take initiative and always get it wrong
  • Not have all your thoughts gathered prior to asking him a simple question in the form of a request
  • Make any decisions without asking him first
  • Think you can use the bathroom without asking first
  • Forget to bring the lint brush to your inspection
  • Wear something/everything to please him
  • Speak casually about nothing in particular
  • Have emotions about something
  • Have feelings about anything
  • Provide self care that doesn’t suit him
  • Rest when there are chores to attend to
  • Do anything that might negatively affect him
  • The word no will be removed from your vocabulary then if there’s any implication of a pushback, and there will be and it will torment you that he has the last word and final say in everything pertaining to you

and when you do…

As I warn you of his darkest secrets, I can feel his hand around my neck, pulling my hair back with the other while he leads me to the bed where I would find myself bound face down, ankles tied to a dowel, rear end arched in the air, naked and exposed, completely at his mercy where he would begin administering his correction with corporal punishment by means of a cane, all the while asking why you did what you did, telling you to count down every painful swat as the lacerations trickle red fluid and you will weep and you will sob and you will be terrified to stay and tormented to leave and you will wonder if he means it when he says, I love my good little girl…so you stay, broken and defeated only to fall asleep and question… it all

You will wake up one day very soon, consumed with anxiety while confusion ensues and fear will rule your world and he will revel as you wriggle. He will coerce and convince you that you have a masochistic little girl deep down inside just to feed his sadistic appetite. He will take this as far as possible, insidiously it will overtake your world and then you will find it near impossible to escape as the pathways of your brain become trampled. You begin questioning yourself, believing his words and then you will disappear inside your mind, lost to yourself and the world you once knew.

He will invest in you in ways that make only him happy, so long as you worship and serve solely him and you don’t disrupt his intentions and goals to use you, possess and keep you for his property to use at his disposal, that way he can destroy you and you won’t know what’s coming.

You will unintentionally cross him, guaranteed, and he will call it catastrophic. The dismissals of you will begin. Each and every time he discards you, will be more painful the the last and he will do this, time and time again, until you become wise to him, then and only then will he begin his sick psychotic cycle again and every time he summons you back will be worse than the time before and this will become your bond of trauma, your life and none of it will be real, except his sickness of narcissistic abuse.

You will find yourself blasting My Immortal, singing it loudly and passionately to his absent self hoping he would feel, something, anything, as if he ever cared one single ounce for you, because he didn’t. He can’t. He’s numb.

He despised me using my voice in the end, unveiling his true ways and that truth is, I loved a malignant, sociopathic, covert narcissistic person for 9 years. One driven by his own pain and agony as the wretched demonic attachments linger and strangle his heart further.

I was his main fuel supply for his every erotic, sadistic thought and act, his deepest devotion only to his manipulation and domination. My fear was his oxygen, his control was my nemesis, destruction and demise. For any other on his radar, close to being in his clutches, entrapped by this ongoing calculated mode, he will assuredly lure you in as his next victim and flying monkey. Sucked in to perform his cowardly dirty work for him, beware. These are his only means of controlling what is the only thing that ever mattered to him and is now uncontrollable, and that my darling, is me.

✍🏼🧖🏼‍♀️

Her path of authenticity

She thanked her profusely for never following through with her suicidal thoughts. She couldn’t bring herself to ask if there were actual attempts. She just let her brain assume so, but prayed there weren’t and won’t be anymore.
Fear…

These two are so freakishly alike it’s a beautiful harmonious connection. They’ve shared those thoughts as if these were good bonding moments. Really what it says is, “I know better than anyone, and understand your heavy heart, the devastating pain and deepest hurts you’re feeling”. Her mama couldn’t possibly know how she felt exactly, but the agony resonated. The feelings of complete despair and just a desire for the pain to stop. Yeah, that she gets.
Confusion…

Mama sits with her, she’s learning to listen, really hear her child’s anguish, obstacles, fears and all the past that floods her head and it all pours out. Sometimes her words are accompanied with anger and outbursts still, almost always with tears and probably for a long while still with confusion of what to do next. “Take it slow, but definitely at your pace”, she encourages her.
Processing…

Let her just vomit her words so the poison is extracted. “It’s ok”, she tells her, “I can hold it for you sweetie, I can take it”. Mama knows her frustration isn’t about her necessarily. She can be her sounding board, but not her punching bag or doormat. She’s learned that part of detachment pretty well. It’s not without difficulty when it’s your own child.
Unconditional…

Ever since she was 12 her favorite expression was, “I got this mom”. And you know, she always has. Mama smiles intently at her, “I know baby, but it’s ok not to have it all figured out right here right now. Give time time and let things come to you naturally when you can. Forcing solutions can be frustrating as hell, as can sitting still, I know”.
Wisdom…

Their talks are more frequent now and her mama is grateful for the relief she sees in her child’s face more often, now and then, here and there. This is only the beginning of all the transitions ahead, yet the only thing that ever matters to her mama is her children’s happiness, contentment and feeling loved, all of them.
Closeness…

She gave birth to her and her brothers, she has them all on borrowed time and she knows this too well. Time is fleeting and life is precious. How quickly it can disappear, how fragile it actually is. Guilt consumes her some days. The “if only’s” play out in her head and she cries. Sadness overwhelms her at times and she makes time to call her child just to say I love you. She can’t seem to hug her tight enough when she sees her. Never again will she ever feel her mama’s absence, nor will her brothers.
Available…

The best path to travel 👆🏼

She thinks they still need her as they always have, but really it’s mama who’s needing them more.
Present…

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Delicate

Unconditional ❤️

I turned my head for just a moment and you were gone. A panic washed over me as I frantically called your name. Pushing garments of ladies apparel aside, rack by rack, I could hear a faint giggle. You were only 2 and you loved to play games like that. Unbeknownst to you, the fear that arose in my chest, as you would grow accustomed to saying, “I got this mom”, and you always have. Somehow that would be your way of assuring me you would always be okay, no matter what.

I feel so lost without you now. You got this, right? Yet that all too familiar panic has risen up and taken residence in my heart. This time I blinked and tried again, but I don’t hear the giggling in the air. I can’t see your face. I can’t find you anywhere.

Before you could form sentences or even threw your binky away, I could tell there was a mystery  about you. Over time it was the little things that made you cry, often inconsolably and I couldn’t figure out why, but you knew.

Years would pass. You were growing up, trying to find the place where you belong. Never feeling liked by the kids on the school ground, not knowing how much you actually were. Was it your hyper activity that kept you moving? Sports became an outlet, baseball, soccer, dirt bikes, skateboards, bikes and scooters. Anything that would occupy your energy and free your spirit, but still, you sought after anything that would grant you acceptance. You tried basketball, even wrestling and joined the school band on drums. Then one day you asked for a bass guitar. Please mom. Happy birthday sweetie. You joined brothers, forming a band, the 3 of you, so young and talented, you were more than good, you were amazing.

Sports and all “that” began to fall away. You’d found this passion deep inside playing bass. Self taught, you wouldn’t allow me to “waste money on lessons when you could teach yourself” and you did. Yet all those years I’d watch you on stage, self conscious and insecure, as if you were still searching for that place of belonging, because you were.

Your pain continued to haunt you. I couldn’t read it, put my finger on it, then he left and you were devastated. The dad you tried so hard to please, to be like and feel included by. This was a whole new level of despair while I was desperately working to be all I could for you 3, but somehow I saw it in your heart, for you this grief of loss was affecting you in some other way. It was different and deeper.

That same 2 year old resides within, still inconsolable, try as I may. “I love you” are all the words I have, with everything I know. Life was harder back then, but we were gaining everyday as we made our way through, just us 4.

We got this, right? Wrong…  “We” crumbled. My turn. You’re gone. Here I sit. Motionless. Breathless. Helpless. Guilt. Hands in the air. Heart splitting in 2. Inconsolable. I’m still searching for that place of belonging, just for you.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Equal parts of pleasure and pain

That’s the addiction between them, but where’s the love, honor, devotion and respect?

Unhealthy as can be, walking along, him loving her, their desire undying, what else could they expect?

No ordinary life style created from the darkest part, the destruction of her broken heart.

Time over time she trusted him with it all, never believing the depths she would fall.

It isn’t who he is, but rather whom he’s become, she fights her own battles, with no escape or place to run.

For now it’s clear to see, her equal part gained pleasure with the pain she had endured, yet his love, she will forever treasure…

✍🏻🧝🏻‍♀️

He’s some kind of a sorcerer

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

He had cast a spell over me some time ago. I loved him when he was hurting me. I trusted him not to do it again. I believed him when he said he loved me. I questioned him in my mind and answered it to my heart.

It was he who disappointed me. It was he who lied with every word falling from his lips. It was he who deceived me. It was he who took pleasure while I suffered. It was he who tore it all apart.

I can see clearly now that the physical and daily mental pain has gone astray, the kind you inflicted upon me.

I feel clarity washing over me, the kind that allows me to see clearly.

I taste a little freedom now and then since making real choices as decisions are declared over my life by me now.

I smell the fragrance of life since I’ve been unshackled from being devoured whole and fed nonsense by you.

Today I can pause, it’s a must, to pay attention to my breath for this is all I can trust.

Because of you I walked away from all that I knew, believed in, held tight to, counted on and grew.

Thank you for the release from ties that kept me bound, for had you not I wouldn’t have the courage to stand firmly on this ground.

Time under tension increases strength and power, so is it no wonder I’ve come back to my One and only strong tower.

How grateful to you I have a new found peace and revel in the quiet moments to worship, glorify and to hear, the gentle whispers of my God who is always near.

Uncluttered is my heart, open it to receive, let my mind become sharper, it is honestly in You I deeply believe.

✍🏻🧝🏻‍♀️

Please just let me be

The hurt and the healing… it’s all my process

There’s still those nights when the poison must come out = the problem the hurt the pain

There’s more days than before when the light shines through = the solution the hope the joy

Seeing you in the distance, passing you on the road, stirs up emotions I have to unload…

You threw me away time and time again. Each discard breaking my heart more than the last.

Days would pass, sometimes even months and there you are, missing me and I you.

I faded more with every reconciliation while more torture brought deeper pain.

You’ve abandoned and dismissed me as if I never existed. I see now that it cut to my core, straight through to my soul.

You took it all and left me naked beneath the ground. Buried alive with pennies over my eyes you left your rag doll burnt and shattered.

I’ve spent my days since your final display when you shoved me out, replaying events that still haunt me today.

I want you to suffer and wriggle in fear the way you torment me by keeping this real.

I get it, the inner turmoil that drives those hurtful parts of you, but you need help to overcome the demons that reside within you.

There was a time you evoked all the goodness from me. Now you bring out the worst with your unwillingness to take responsibility.

It’s an ugly trait and I feel sorry for you. The longer you go untreated, the darker you become and the hardening of your heart can’t be undone.

How could you let us come to this. Such acts of hatred and remorse. Really it’s your own hurting bones and crushed spirit that makes you behave in these bizarre, unexplainable ways.

I didn’t put any of it in you, yet I’ve been paying for the sins of others since the day we came to be.

You take me back to the depths of that despair with one single motion. If this is the direction you truly wanted things to go, be a grownup, a mature man, the one who had my complete devotion.

I don’t want to suffer beautifully for you any longer, you fucked up, twisted man. What you’ve done and continue to do only makes me see the true version of you.

There are other victims for you to choose from, the ones you had lined up when you set me free.

Go screw with their minds, leave your marks on their flesh, let me fucking go.

Please just let me be…

✍🏻🧝🏻‍♀️

Disappointment is overdone

How many scars should she justify just because she trusted the man holding the knife? 🔪

She sat in her bed as the sun streamed through

Her heart feeling heavy as it had the day before

She thought to herself why she continues to dwell

A new day awakens her with a better story to tell

Still she can’t help but wonder

Why she can’t keep herself from going under

She takes a different road for a change of scenery

Her attachment lingers although she’s feeling free

She’s scarred, wounded and maybe even bent

Never could she have predicted the way it went

How messed up life can be with one wrong turn

Disappointed again just let the fuckers burn…

✍🏻🧖🏼‍♀️

Coming out of her deep, dark denial one piece at a time

“Nothing Left Inside”

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFd2kPQgImW/?igshid=r1sne7gq1o7c

Feeling like her skin has been peeled back as the sun bakes down on her exposed flesh. She is burning from stripping the layers of denial off, leaving her with the searing pain of the truth. She relives every detailed moment of each incident as if it were happening right here, right now. She tries to outrun them, but she can’t escape the memories. Her dreams hold her captive and startle her awake at times, bringing her anxiety back until she can awaken enough to remember where she is and that she is safe in her space. She bolts out of bed planting her feet on the ground, gasping for a breath, just one will do, but it takes many minutes to fully inhale and exhale.

They never understood their breakups, the discards, and this time, they don’t realize how the trauma has bonded her so tightly and why she cannot just break free. Neither does she, but fuck, she tries hard to sever it, all of it. Those ordinary people are living a common, vanilla, flavored life. She is tormented by the years of the secret lifestyle suppressed by his every move, his very nature, his discipline, corrections and punishments and now she will say it out loud… his abuse. Her body has been keeping score with faint marks still remaining upon her soft flesh while the flashbacks in her thoughts trigger her. Hyper vigilance has become part of her everyday life. Her mind kept tabs that were deeply engrained, creating new pathways that would continue far past their innumerable separations, including their last, their final.

Trauma bond—>
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

In their world, she wasn’t initially picked out of a lineup for her soul to be crushed, but that was what took place over a slow, calculated period of time. She was carefully selected by him because of her strength and confidence she exhumed. She would make an excellent supply source. He was drawn to that. She would be his. His clay to mold, his property to own, his body to create and modify. He wanted what she had for his very own undoing. It all went into the choosing process. She would become a kept woman and that would require a complete breakdown of her human spirit she once possessed in order for him to transform her into the little pet toy he wanted her to be, the one he needed her to become.

She feels the tightening of the straps that hold her tightly and the strike of the cane upon her tearing, searing flesh. The stings ignite her fresh wounds, feeling as if they’re on fire. Another one follows and she thinks the last will never come, but then he tells her to count them down. Sobbing, she is finally allowed to drag her snot filled nose across the tear stained sheets, then abruptly everything just stops. There are no more sounds. His voice was silent. Faint footsteps fading away is the only sound she hears over her own shallow, deep breathing.

The room went deadly quiet as he disappeared for a moment, emerging again with a bottle of soothing gel. At last he released the ties that bound her, literally, and she collapsed across the bed, shaking, trying to catch her breath, but all she knows is the relief of being free, for now. The hyperventilating subsided, but she can’t stop shivering. Then suddenly she feels him lying behind her, covering her with a warm blanket. He holds her tightly in his arms at last, her limp body whimpering in agony as he whispers softly in her ear, “good girl, suffering so beautifully for me. You know this makes you even better for me, right? That makes me so happy.” Her brain can’t engage or comprehend anything, only the warmth of him. She easily focuses on her broken, aching body and his words. The echoes of them run across her mind, jumbled and unclear, yet all she can do is sob and nod as he pulls her closer to him, stroking her hair, kissing her neck, “shhh, good girl.” Sleep now little one. Exhausted, she passes out.

She awakens what seemed like hours later. It was dark outside and everything was silent and eerie in the cold room where he tucked her in after, after… and then she remembered her punishment he had administered only an hour before. The sting was intense as she dragged herself up from the bed. She took her aching self down the hall where she knew she would find him, sitting at the computer, waiting for her arrival. “Hi baby girl, your’re awake”. Her eyes burning, her voice barely above a whisper, she nodded and he motioned for her to come closer. As she did, he pulled her to his lap, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her gently as he whispered his famous words, “it’s over, it’s done, it’s in the past”. She was quietly weeping and melted into him. This wasn’t the first time nor would it be the last…

His depravity haunts her still and she tries to outrun the affects, the visuals, the hauntings of what her life once was, but she always catches up and finds herself waiting there. Right where she left herself.
Fuck, You again?

She was his kept little girl, as he addressed her as, his. The reality was, she was a grown woman with severe daddy issues and the coercion he was inflicting upon her, the brainwashing and gas lighting had convinced her that all little girls receive this kind of “love and attention” when a daddy truly loves and desires them. She didn’t have a daddy of her own and she’d been abused for so long by her step monster, how could she possibly know any different? She believed him. She trusted him.

She’d lay there at night, a tear rolling down her cheek asking herself questions. Questions she didn’t have the answers for and he’d pull her close to him, whispering, “shh, sleep now baby girl. Everything’s alright.” but it never was.

Why did this please him so? Who was he? What was happening? How did she get to this place? Where had she gone? The amazing power of denial and the complete destruction of control. TPE a total mindfuck…

🧖🏼✍🏻

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