My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in Your love

Dark as the full moon sits high above
Pondering old thoughts thinking about love

What does it all mean
Another sip of this warm toasted bean

Only two hours from now
You’ll hold your head and bow

It didn’t have to be this way
The pain you carry is what led you astray

One final session fate in another’s hand
Words you will never speak cover up your brand

The crime committed loving with my whole heart
Under your captivity ripped us completely apart

Be well until the end of your time
For me I’ll sit quietly and continue to rhyme

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Her path of authenticity

She thanked her profusely for never following through with her suicidal thoughts. She couldn’t bring herself to ask if there were actual attempts. She just let her brain assume so, but prayed there weren’t and won’t be anymore.
Fear…

These two are so freakishly alike it’s a beautiful harmonious connection. They’ve shared those thoughts as if these were good bonding moments. Really what it says is, “I know better than anyone, and understand your heavy heart, the devastating pain and deepest hurts you’re feeling”. Her mama couldn’t possibly know how she felt exactly, but the agony resonated. The feelings of complete despair and just a desire for the pain to stop. Yeah, that she gets.
Confusion…

Mama sits with her, she’s learning to listen, really hear her child’s anguish, obstacles, fears and all the past that floods her head and it all pours out. Sometimes her words are accompanied with anger and outbursts still, almost always with tears and probably for a long while still with confusion of what to do next. “Take it slow, but definitely at your pace”, she encourages her.
Processing…

Let her just vomit her words so the poison is extracted. “It’s ok”, she tells her, “I can hold it for you sweetie, I can take it”. Mama knows her frustration isn’t about her necessarily. She can be her sounding board, but not her punching bag or doormat. She’s learned that part of detachment pretty well. It’s not without difficulty when it’s your own child.
Unconditional…

Ever since she was 12 her favorite expression was, “I got this mom”. And you know, she always has. Mama smiles intently at her, “I know baby, but it’s ok not to have it all figured out right here right now. Give time time and let things come to you naturally when you can. Forcing solutions can be frustrating as hell, as can sitting still, I know”.
Wisdom…

Their talks are more frequent now and her mama is grateful for the relief she sees in her child’s face more often, now and then, here and there. This is only the beginning of all the transitions ahead, yet the only thing that ever matters to her mama is her children’s happiness, contentment and feeling loved, all of them.
Closeness…

She gave birth to her and her brothers, she has them all on borrowed time and she knows this too well. Time is fleeting and life is precious. How quickly it can disappear, how fragile it actually is. Guilt consumes her some days. The “if only’s” play out in her head and she cries. Sadness overwhelms her at times and she makes time to call her child just to say I love you. She can’t seem to hug her tight enough when she sees her. Never again will she ever feel her mama’s absence, nor will her brothers.
Available…

The best path to travel 👆🏼

She thinks they still need her as they always have, but really it’s mama who’s needing them more.
Present…

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

RIP to her former self

Human rights validated by the One Who Created us all… 🏳️‍⚧️

The struggle she faces so torn up inside
They knew from the beginning how to divide

This upheaval of emotions riddled in fear
She couldn’t find the words so her secret she held near

As she grew up to question her true value and self
She learned to conform with her feelings on the shelf

The rage burned within while she cried and she screamed
Life was getting harder than she could have dreamed

Since the day she was born it was known only to her
The truth of the matter was more than a blur

Her pain continued to grow with every passing day
Nothing ever felt quite right but how could she stray

Amongst the many battles she had to dread
None of them compare to the one inside her head

The worst part of all that rips at her heart
Is the lack of acceptance that tears her life apart

This road she travels has been worn by others shoes
They’ve trekked long before and still they fight to prove

Get over your fucking selves you judgmental, close minded, ignorant ones
Human race filled with indifferences, these are our daughters and these are our sons

Intolerance will start a war blatantly with hate
At the end of our lives who’ll be the ones standing at the gate

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The architect of my own nightmare

Trust in You 🙏🏻

Sleep the illusive one why must I chase you down
Trap and wrestle you to the ground

My heart it feels every crack, fracture and break
Isn’t it enough for my unsettled mind to escape

Every bait and switch was a work of art
You had me going right from the start

Today is just another wrecking ball sized blow
These fucking memories simmer and glow

Once twisted inside like tangled up knots
Have now become my everyday thoughts

They beckon and howl like a wolf in the night
Come play it out with me until we get it right

I saddled and rode this mystery out to the end
We lost more than the other was willing to bend

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

It’s done, it’s over, it’s in the past

Waited time is not wasted… 🕰

She sits alone in her web of hope that once was her destruction yet his to spin. They never understood how she could stay, but stay she did far past the expiration day.

The song played faint in the background. Dance with me please just one time before we go. He looked through her like a ghost reaching behind as she sunk so low.

In the light of day he still posed as her lover but the reality was he was just another thief in the night roaming the streets undercover.

Her thoughts were more clear when he crossed over into her mind. Who was he now and where had he gone? The man she waited and prayed for hoping he would come to find.

It took many years of trials and even an unsavory reason. She watched and she listened, observed and blew wishes when she finally understood, it was only for one long season.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Her inner turmoil

Baby girl, you possess power, strength and courage… let them ignite from within 🔥💗

Her pain, her anguish, her depletion, there is nothing I can do for her except to pray.

I can’t console her when the fire in her belly is ignited by rage.

“Can you rest, allowing your mind to slowly unwind while your body shuts itself down?”, I ask.

She stirs and mumbles something incoherent just as the rant awakens once more.

Relax is not in her vocabulary, only anxiety is the skill set she has acquired.

The uncomfortableness she feels in her own skin, it ravages her soul.

I shower just to find her gone when I appear from the steamed up bath.

A quick phone call to inquire are you alright, shall I keep on the light?

I hear my best friend’s voice in my head, “just let her vomit those eroding thoughts that haunt her”.

She doesn’t want you to fix her, just listen to her heart.

The words shoot through me like bullets loaded with her venom.

She’s not attacking me and she doesn’t mean to raise her voice, but it feels unbearable as I be still.

Wouldn’t you know, the less I speak, the calmer she becomes.

The thread began to wear to the end as did she from beginning to not quite the end.

Tomorrow might be the same or even a little bit different, who knows?

One thing is sure, this child struggles and suffers devastatingly so.

Yet no matter how near, far or out of touch, I will never leave her side because I simply love her that much.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️TK

Delicate

Unconditional ❤️

I turned my head for just a moment and you were gone. A panic washed over me as I frantically called your name. Pushing garments of ladies apparel aside, rack by rack, I could hear a faint giggle. You were only 2 and you loved to play games like that. Unbeknownst to you, the fear that arose in my chest, as you would grow accustomed to saying, “I got this mom”, and you always have. Somehow that would be your way of assuring me you would always be okay, no matter what.

I feel so lost without you now. You got this, right? Yet that all too familiar panic has risen up and taken residence in my heart. This time I blinked and tried again, but I don’t hear the giggling in the air. I can’t see your face. I can’t find you anywhere.

Before you could form sentences or even threw your binky away, I could tell there was a mystery  about you. Over time it was the little things that made you cry, often inconsolably and I couldn’t figure out why, but you knew.

Years would pass. You were growing up, trying to find the place where you belong. Never feeling liked by the kids on the school ground, not knowing how much you actually were. Was it your hyper activity that kept you moving? Sports became an outlet, baseball, soccer, dirt bikes, skateboards, bikes and scooters. Anything that would occupy your energy and free your spirit, but still, you sought after anything that would grant you acceptance. You tried basketball, even wrestling and joined the school band on drums. Then one day you asked for a bass guitar. Please mom. Happy birthday sweetie. You joined brothers, forming a band, the 3 of you, so young and talented, you were more than good, you were amazing.

Sports and all “that” began to fall away. You’d found this passion deep inside playing bass. Self taught, you wouldn’t allow me to “waste money on lessons when you could teach yourself” and you did. Yet all those years I’d watch you on stage, self conscious and insecure, as if you were still searching for that place of belonging, because you were.

Your pain continued to haunt you. I couldn’t read it, put my finger on it, then he left and you were devastated. The dad you tried so hard to please, to be like and feel included by. This was a whole new level of despair while I was desperately working to be all I could for you 3, but somehow I saw it in your heart, for you this grief of loss was affecting you in some other way. It was different and deeper.

That same 2 year old resides within, still inconsolable, try as I may. “I love you” are all the words I have, with everything I know. Life was harder back then, but we were gaining everyday as we made our way through, just us 4.

We got this, right? Wrong…  “We” crumbled. My turn. You’re gone. Here I sit. Motionless. Breathless. Helpless. Guilt. Hands in the air. Heart splitting in 2. Inconsolable. I’m still searching for that place of belonging, just for you.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Her pen is poised

Creation is who she chooses to be
instead of who you said she could…

She put pen to paper
Then ran the water from the pipe
Watched it drip down the river into the drain

She imagined her thoughts as they washed away
Disappearing like the sun
On a cold wet day in the rain

Her masked conscience muddled as it were
Torn and tattered her scars found out
That knife he used is all such a blur

She took out another sheet
The same as before
This time she won’t stop until it’s complete

Tell your story every last word
They’ve been waiting on you
Eagerly and patiently for you to be heard

Save that one, yes her and another
She belongs to you too
Remember you’re her mother

Teach the youngsters from what you know
To walk away and save themselves
With you they have room to grow

Stand proud confident and true
Lift your head up she said
His shit don’t belong to you

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

He’s some kind of a sorcerer

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

He had cast a spell over me some time ago. I loved him when he was hurting me. I trusted him not to do it again. I believed him when he said he loved me. I questioned him in my mind and answered it to my heart.

It was he who disappointed me. It was he who lied with every word falling from his lips. It was he who deceived me. It was he who took pleasure while I suffered. It was he who tore it all apart.

I can see clearly now that the physical and daily mental pain has gone astray, the kind you inflicted upon me.

I feel clarity washing over me, the kind that allows me to see clearly.

I taste a little freedom now and then since making real choices as decisions are declared over my life by me now.

I smell the fragrance of life since I’ve been unshackled from being devoured whole and fed nonsense by you.

Today I can pause, it’s a must, to pay attention to my breath for this is all I can trust.

Because of you I walked away from all that I knew, believed in, held tight to, counted on and grew.

Thank you for the release from ties that kept me bound, for had you not I wouldn’t have the courage to stand firmly on this ground.

Time under tension increases strength and power, so is it no wonder I’ve come back to my One and only strong tower.

How grateful to you I have a new found peace and revel in the quiet moments to worship, glorify and to hear, the gentle whispers of my God who is always near.

Uncluttered is my heart, open it to receive, let my mind become sharper, it is honestly in You I deeply believe.

✍🏻🧝🏻‍♀️

Please just let me be

The hurt and the healing… it’s all my process

There’s still those nights when the poison must come out = the problem the hurt the pain

There’s more days than before when the light shines through = the solution the hope the joy

Seeing you in the distance, passing you on the road, stirs up emotions I have to unload…

You threw me away time and time again. Each discard breaking my heart more than the last.

Days would pass, sometimes even months and there you are, missing me and I you.

I faded more with every reconciliation while more torture brought deeper pain.

You’ve abandoned and dismissed me as if I never existed. I see now that it cut to my core, straight through to my soul.

You took it all and left me naked beneath the ground. Buried alive with pennies over my eyes you left your rag doll burnt and shattered.

I’ve spent my days since your final display when you shoved me out, replaying events that still haunt me today.

I want you to suffer and wriggle in fear the way you torment me by keeping this real.

I get it, the inner turmoil that drives those hurtful parts of you, but you need help to overcome the demons that reside within you.

There was a time you evoked all the goodness from me. Now you bring out the worst with your unwillingness to take responsibility.

It’s an ugly trait and I feel sorry for you. The longer you go untreated, the darker you become and the hardening of your heart can’t be undone.

How could you let us come to this. Such acts of hatred and remorse. Really it’s your own hurting bones and crushed spirit that makes you behave in these bizarre, unexplainable ways.

I didn’t put any of it in you, yet I’ve been paying for the sins of others since the day we came to be.

You take me back to the depths of that despair with one single motion. If this is the direction you truly wanted things to go, be a grownup, a mature man, the one who had my complete devotion.

I don’t want to suffer beautifully for you any longer, you fucked up, twisted man. What you’ve done and continue to do only makes me see the true version of you.

There are other victims for you to choose from, the ones you had lined up when you set me free.

Go screw with their minds, leave your marks on their flesh, let me fucking go.

Please just let me be…

✍🏻🧝🏻‍♀️