Flip the script

🏳️‍⚧️ Free to be 🏳️‍⚧️

Those lies, the ones they told me, I’m learning to rewrite the words in a way that inspires rather than devours me. In a word, or 4, I am a good person.

Ever get tired of listening to the sound of your own voice? The one that rattles on inside the corners of your mind? As I begin to take captive these very objective thoughts, I practice re-recording them. Now when I begin to play them back, I hear my voice, my truths, my consoling love and I let go.
Capturing the simplicity and compassion I’ve longed for.

It isn’t in another where I seek and draw from the soothing joy I find within. I watch my daughter struggle with her inner being as she wrestles the demons that have haunted her, but she is all knowing. She always has been. She is a conqueror, a warrior and she’s afraid sometimes, but she rises up to take on the challenges of another day. I admire her completely. I support her in the ways she needs and I step back while she finds her way.

My life has been that incessant rollercoaster. This child of mine is most like me of all. She’s witnessed her mom’s struggles and has even inherited many of my traits. She is fiercely independent yet welcomes a hand up from her trusted allies. I embrace this journey she is on, loving her with absolute unconditional love while I learn by listening.

Even though she tells me not to be, I’m often apologetic for not seeing through her pain early in her life. I’m your mom I tell her, I knew instinctively of your hurting, but what it was I couldn’t figure out. I thank her for trusting me now. For being the bravest young person I’ve ever known. One who has courage when her fear stops her in her tracks, paralyzing her from taking a step on any given day, but somehow managing the next breath. In a world that is more divided, cannot accept diversity and is extremely judgmental, she perseveres. I tell her she has been blessed with this gift to do great things.

As my granddaughter and I walked up to join my daughter in line at the pharmacy yesterday, a woman in front had been chatting with her as they stood patiently awaiting their turn. She smiled at me as I took my place next to her and this kind, older lady asked, “is this your son? I was just saying there’s a twin in here that looks just like”… she trailed off, I felt my heart thump as this was my first encounter, an opportunity to practice my reply. I smiled at my daughter, hesitated, wanting to feel natural and proudly correct her, when the words, “they’re with me” escaped my lips just as my 9 year old granddaughter confidently spoke up, pointing at her dad, correcting the lady’s mistake… “her daughter”, she told the woman. “Ohh, sorry” her words apologetic and sincere. Both my daughter and I beamed as we looked at this unwavering little girl. We should all be so matter of fact, straightforward and honest.

She taught me a valuable lesson in that simple display of assuredness. This is not something to make any sort of issue out of, unless you choose to. Wisdom comes from the most untouched of places. I stood in awe and felt my heart swell in admiration. Life is as simple or difficult as we make it be.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Destined for greatness

It’s in her last breath the relieved sense of letting go
Her life unfulfilled yet blessed by the never ending show

A raw existence cruelty by another’s hand
She gave all she ever had but never took a stand

Her smile so infectious laughter quite contagious
She gave fake niceties that kept her spirit righteous

Evolving over time ever present she couldn’t be
His malicious behavior strangled her so tightly

How could she know her baby girl’s watchful eye
Picking up and mimicking as she walked on by

Get ahold of yourself as she looks in the mirror
Life is meant to be lived fully not just in a glimmer

Put down the bat the one tightly in your grip
Touch the brakes exit this ride kiss your pretty lip

You are not her all broken and torn apart
You’ve unlocked the secrets to transform your wounded heart

She wouldn’t want any of this wretchedness on your path that you are bound
Can’t you hear her words gently telling you to pick yourself up off the ground

I’m sorry little one who still cries deep inside
I’ve loved you since day one now let mercy take you for a ride

With this grace of comfort you deserve more than I could give
Now it’s time to shine rise up and really start to live

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Just scream into the void

empty space, mine

A wrinkle in time
Heart won’t slow
Eyes can’t stay closed
Set the clock to rewind

Listen can you hear me
I lost my breath out there
Extracted every emotion
Floating about feeling free

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

I am a child of God, you are the spawn of satan

There’s no other way to shake it
like a record stuck in its groove
round and round it spins
it has no other choice but to move

Cursed by your demons
the one you call master
left to your own devices
finding yourself running faster

Contentment escapes you
wrangling up another captive
truth prevails and is triumphant over evil
race towards the drama in order to live

Your breath is his power
fear feeds his oxygen
see him kick back and smirk
just to watch you do it all again

They panic and wage
spiritual warfare will ensue
my God is bigger
what more can you do

Your best shot is losing
the plot grows thick
letting your guard down
another one he tries to trick

They’re on to you
you’ll never be free
I on the other hand
finally get to be me

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in Your love

Dark as the full moon sits high above
Pondering old thoughts thinking about love

What does it all mean
Another sip of this warm toasted bean

Only two hours from now
You’ll hold your head and bow

It didn’t have to be this way
The pain you carry is what led you astray

One final session fate in another’s hand
Words you will never speak cover up your brand

The crime committed loving with my whole heart
Under your captivity ripped us completely apart

Be well until the end of your time
For me I’ll sit quietly and continue to rhyme

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Hush baby girl

Enmeshment no longer 💔

Remember not to forget
That sweet sound of instant regret

The war rages from the pit
Ignited now from the remorse of it

No bitterness in the voice you don’t wear
Love rings through if you listen you will hear

Rise up and shine
Gods Word is truly divine

Apart blossoms growth
Togetherness restricts the throat

Let go and be free
Unshackle the cuffs allowed to flee

A simple hello a painful goodbye
Try to the death no more tears left to cry

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Relearning how to breathe

Taking it slow, one breath at a time🌬🐢

My assignment she gave me, a grief letter with instructions what to do
Write it out on paper like somehow that will help me get over you

She hears my heart and knows I’ve been drifting awhile
Angrily I told her, please help me to stop obsessing so I can once again find my smile

The opener would say, no one ever fought for me, but I never stopped swinging, fighting for that love
A broken little girl who just desired to be wanted and cherished simply for who I was

I know my daddy loves me, the 20 times I saw him he told me this as so
You reminded me of the same, in fact the words went like this, “I said that I love you, once was enough for you to know”

All these years I’ve been working on my insides, mending what needs fixing, soothing what needs comfort, fighting for what ought to be freely given
I can see it in the distance, how life is supposed to go and I am choosing the path that shows me what it’s like to be living

Coulda shoulda woulda such a tormented little game
I’ll start to leave those phrases out, the ones which lay forth all the blame

Grief is like a party for us who show up to play the part
But really for me, all it does is remind me of my hurting, fractured heart

The conclusion might read something along these blurred lines and such
We are all a little flawed, imperfect little humans, but for me, I don’t ask for much

I can articulate my pain, sadness and struggles better than most
But for you all, no no, pour another round, raise your glass high to give yourself a toast

Thank God for my journey and path where it has led
I lay myself down at night, taking it all in as I curl up in my bed

I pray for the lost, the weary and weak
For those who still suffer looking at life as it were bleak

Each and every one who has taken something from me
I am being restored by grace and honor and even with a little more dignity

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

This is how life goes it ebbs and it flows

Matthew 7:6 🙏🏻

What is right or even wrong, it’s all in a song

An angry little girl searching where she fits in
Her teenage self not so gangly yet thin

Boys attracted by her flirtatious smile and blue eyes
What they don’t see are the walls of her disguise

She learned early on how invisible she can be
Colors change with the wind and so could she

Who you need is what she will become
Transformation is how it’s all done

Submission was taught and equally expected
Relinquish all control or she would be rejected

At least then she felt a sense of belonging at last
To whom was the question quickly becoming her past

So much to think about, reflect and discern
A variety of things have helped her to learn

When does it stop, this death sentence lives on
Flip the music on, the answers are in that song

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

RIP to her former self

Human rights validated by the One Who Created us all… 🏳️‍⚧️

The struggle she faces so torn up inside
They knew from the beginning how to divide

This upheaval of emotions riddled in fear
She couldn’t find the words so her secret she held near

As she grew up to question her true value and self
She learned to conform with her feelings on the shelf

The rage burned within while she cried and she screamed
Life was getting harder than she could have dreamed

Since the day she was born it was known only to her
The truth of the matter was more than a blur

Her pain continued to grow with every passing day
Nothing ever felt quite right but how could she stray

Amongst the many battles she had to dread
None of them compare to the one inside her head

The worst part of all that rips at her heart
Is the lack of acceptance that tears her life apart

This road she travels has been worn by others shoes
They’ve trekked long before and still they fight to prove

Get over your fucking selves you judgmental, close minded, ignorant ones
Human race filled with indifferences, these are our daughters and these are our sons

Intolerance will start a war blatantly with hate
At the end of our lives who’ll be the ones standing at the gate

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The architect of my own nightmare

Trust in You 🙏🏻

Sleep the illusive one why must I chase you down
Trap and wrestle you to the ground

My heart it feels every crack, fracture and break
Isn’t it enough for my unsettled mind to escape

Every bait and switch was a work of art
You had me going right from the start

Today is just another wrecking ball sized blow
These fucking memories simmer and glow

Once twisted inside like tangled up knots
Have now become my everyday thoughts

They beckon and howl like a wolf in the night
Come play it out with me until we get it right

I saddled and rode this mystery out to the end
We lost more than the other was willing to bend

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

I miss loving…………(You)

Our love is at rest, i gave my very best… 💝

He didn’t open her door when she stood beside it, but only for a moment did she wait. She climbed in her seat there beside him, she seemed content and I thought of you…
(Opening my door as I skillfully slid into my space next to you while you pulled out my seatbelt so graciously handing it to me)

They arrived at the restaurant, again she exited the truck, meeting him around the back where they made small talk heading to their destination and
I thought of you…
(I remained still, grinning as you walked over to my side once more, opening my door, offering your hand, I emerged as we made our way)

She stood outside the door looking at the sign, he said, “Allow me” as he grabbed the handle to the door, she stepped inside and
I thought of you…
(My hand never touched a door as long as I was with you)

They were seated, the menus presented and the question, “can I start you off with a drink” and
I thought of you…
(One menu was all that was required, my drink was chosen along with my meal, handled with care)

He picked up the check not a word was exchanged except when she offered to pay her share. He reached for his wallet thanking her, then stating he’d have to give up his man card while handing it off to the server without hesitation and
I thought of you…
(One of our first dates I noticed the price and you thanked me for being thoughtful then assured me it would be alright, the cost wasn’t an issue. I relaxed, feeling special)

She thanked him for treating her to a pleasant evening and wondered what to do next so they left out the door and she casually laced her hand through the bend in his arm and
I thought of you…
(Next to you I felt taken care of, protected and safe, looked after and thought, I felt loved)

There was the truck, the one they open their own doors for, the one they return home in, to the house they reside and
I thought of you…
(Again you pull open the door, buckle me in, my hand on your knee as it slides up your thigh, a peck on the cheek, with a twinkle in my eye. I thank you for a lovely evening, for treating me like your queen, I can hardly wait to get home to show you all the love in my heart)

He flips on the TV and she checks her phone. Divided by some walls, back to their own separate interests and distractions, it’s like the spark and the magic were left somewhere far behind and
I thought of you…
(We barely made inside with our hearts beating deeply, your hands all up in my hair, the door closes quickly as clothes fall to the floor)

She makes her way to the chilly room where she lays her head. At some point he will take his place beside her all cozied up in their bed. She’s fast asleep and he’s quiet while he slips between the sheets and
I thought you…
(We walk together down the darkened hallway to find that safe, familiar place, the warmth of your body comforts me while mine stirs up all your deepest desires)

They closed the door to the wonderful night without another word, he turned off the light, she rolled over, her back turned to him, now he lies there staring at the ceiling asking himself where have you been and
I thought of you…
(Engulfed in your arms I feel your hot breath, it smells like tequila, I smile to myself being pulled in closer, I don’t want to breathe if it means loosening your grip, I exhale, we are immersed, becoming just one, please don’t let me wake. I know you feel loved and I do too) and
I thought of only you…

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

It’s done, it’s over, it’s in the past

Waited time is not wasted… 🕰

She sits alone in her web of hope that once was her destruction yet his to spin. They never understood how she could stay, but stay she did far past the expiration day.

The song played faint in the background. Dance with me please just one time before we go. He looked through her like a ghost reaching behind as she sunk so low.

In the light of day he still posed as her lover but the reality was he was just another thief in the night roaming the streets undercover.

Her thoughts were more clear when he crossed over into her mind. Who was he now and where had he gone? The man she waited and prayed for hoping he would come to find.

It took many years of trials and even an unsavory reason. She watched and she listened, observed and blew wishes when she finally understood, it was only for one long season.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Though my light was dimmed

“You can’t be a beacon if your light don’t shine…”

It’s that 2am shiver that used to make me quiver

I’d drift away praying you’d stay

Morning would come and let me wonder is he done

Where was my shine once so divine

Everyday a little less love forgetting to look above

Why are you with me I never felt free

This was a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Something was true I was feeling brand new

This fire began to glow as I started to grow

There’s that spark I thought went dark

Here I will remain never again to be the same

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Her inner turmoil

Baby girl, you possess power, strength and courage… let them ignite from within 🔥💗

Her pain, her anguish, her depletion, there is nothing I can do for her except to pray.

I can’t console her when the fire in her belly is ignited by rage.

“Can you rest, allowing your mind to slowly unwind while your body shuts itself down?”, I ask.

She stirs and mumbles something incoherent just as the rant awakens once more.

Relax is not in her vocabulary, only anxiety is the skill set she has acquired.

The uncomfortableness she feels in her own skin, it ravages her soul.

I shower just to find her gone when I appear from the steamed up bath.

A quick phone call to inquire are you alright, shall I keep on the light?

I hear my best friend’s voice in my head, “just let her vomit those eroding thoughts that haunt her”.

She doesn’t want you to fix her, just listen to her heart.

The words shoot through me like bullets loaded with her venom.

She’s not attacking me and she doesn’t mean to raise her voice, but it feels unbearable as I be still.

Wouldn’t you know, the less I speak, the calmer she becomes.

The thread began to wear to the end as did she from beginning to not quite the end.

Tomorrow might be the same or even a little bit different, who knows?

One thing is sure, this child struggles and suffers devastatingly so.

Yet no matter how near, far or out of touch, I will never leave her side because I simply love her that much.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️TK

The pieces of me

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.

We break up just to make up, but the truth is I never knew I could love so deeply and be broken so completely.

At 14 he began to steal my innocence, but I didn’t understand. I learned to be invisible not to take his brand.

Manipulation was the name of the game, but it was never myself that was to blame.

Insidiously he took from me every bit of trust, but it wasn’t my fault it was his lust.

My insides eroded as I seethed with anger and rage, but still I was trapped within my cage.

I chased love like a marathon runner who lost, but I kept up the pace no matter the cost.

It was at my own expense and deprivation that drove me straight to you, but I was convinced from the start I could see right through.

Dance with me was my wish, pull me close, never let me go to grieve, but you wouldn’t give instead you chose to leave.

Our agreement established by the one called master became null and void with the final slap, but had it not, forever I would’ve been snared in your most dangerous trap.

See your marks, how they still remain, the ones you said I deserve and had to earn, but once I thought, when will a good girl such as me ever learn?

You chose this with all your reality and truth revealed, but how would you expect me to keep it all concealed?

Manipulation, coercion, control and trickery used  for destruction to tear me down, but you yourself put on my special, sparkling queen’s crown.

Every night my body poured into yours, but I was merely just one of your whores.

She must be fucked in the head, but it doesn’t matter since now she is long but dead

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

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