Checkmate

empowerment 👑

In the dark corners of my mind
a twisted thought evokes
but not your typical kind

Etched upon my brain
rolling around as I lash about
running to escape the pain

Such a fucked up system
he sits up there feeling superior
boastfully believing in his own wisdom

I stare over to you sickened by your frame
while the hustle and bustle strangle the air
I finally realize this has all just been a game

I’m the pawn that suffered beneath you
the queen really yet you were never a king
this plot is almost over with one thing left to do

Those shackles I once wore
place them on you now
never again will I be your little whore

Spin it around as you begin to fear
I’m the one seeking pleasure this time
walking away I turn to see you leer

So much hate burning from your flesh
how agonizing it must feel
never a moment to rest

Run away far and wide
it always catches up
there is no place to hide

I’ve taken the reign
who’s controlling who now
the true master inside this brain

don’t cross me evermore
in the end I will win
the truth will show

I’ve withstood and fallen down
from that grave I arose
buried alive you couldn’t keep me underground

Staring out at the smoke filled sky
imagining what my life will finally look like
as I silently whispered to you a final goodbye

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Inner turmoil

Searching for peace…

Trembling through the fire
You taunted me today
I saw it in your eyes
That merciless desire

Out of the oblivion you appeared
Twisting along the country road
Alone with my thoughts
A familiar hand waving as I leered

Suspicious of your calculated gaze
My throat caught a gasp
Nothing made sense
Again leaving me in a daze

This shell has turned into dust
What do you repeatedly want from me
Flatten your destructive path wasn’t enough
Emptiness hollowed with it trust

Flashed quickly through my brain
These are the confusing thoughts
Stay in my rear view please
I’m jumping off that train

What more could I give
Everything you took
Received nothing in return
Times up let me live

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The empath and a narcissist, the perfect storm of destruction

🔥 💣

One day you will;

  • Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
  • Put a wrong seasoning on his steak
  • Question his communication/sexting with that other female
  • Stack the entire wood pile and it will be wrong
  • Report any male interaction (which is not allowed anyhow) inaccurately
  • Have your own thought or unwelcomed opinion
  • Ask permission to help your child, be told no and having it tear you two
  • Speak to anyone in public while by his side without permission first
  • Take initiative and always get it wrong
  • Not have all your thoughts gathered prior to asking him a simple question in the form of a request
  • Make any decisions without asking him first
  • Think you can use the bathroom without asking first
  • Forget to bring the lint brush to your inspection
  • Wear something/everything to please him
  • Speak casually about nothing in particular
  • Have emotions about something
  • Have feelings about anything
  • Provide self care that doesn’t suit him
  • Rest when there are chores to attend to
  • Do anything that might negatively affect him
  • The word no will be removed from your vocabulary then if there’s any implication of a pushback, and there will be and it will torment you that he has the last word and final say in everything pertaining to you

and when you do…

As I warn you of his darkest secrets, I can feel his hand around my neck, pulling my hair back with the other while he leads me to the bed where I would find myself bound face down, ankles tied to a dowel, rear end arched in the air, naked and exposed, completely at his mercy where he would begin administering his correction with corporal punishment by means of a cane, all the while asking why you did what you did, telling you to count down every painful swat as the lacerations trickle red fluid and you will weep and you will sob and you will be terrified to stay and tormented to leave and you will wonder if he means it when he says, I love my good little girl…so you stay, broken and defeated only to fall asleep and question… it all

You will wake up one day very soon, consumed with anxiety while confusion ensues and fear will rule your world and he will revel as you wriggle. He will coerce and convince you that you have a masochistic little girl deep down inside just to feed his sadistic appetite. He will take this as far as possible, insidiously it will overtake your world and then you will find it near impossible to escape as the pathways of your brain become trampled. You begin questioning yourself, believing his words and then you will disappear inside your mind, lost to yourself and the world you once knew.

He will invest in you in ways that make only him happy, so long as you worship and serve solely him and you don’t disrupt his intentions and goals to use you, possess and keep you for his property to use at his disposal, that way he can destroy you and you won’t know what’s coming.

You will unintentionally cross him, guaranteed, and he will call it catastrophic. The dismissals of you will begin. Each and every time he discards you, will be more painful the the last and he will do this, time and time again, until you become wise to him, then and only then will he begin his sick psychotic cycle again and every time he summons you back will be worse than the time before and this will become your bond of trauma, your life and none of it will be real, except his sickness of narcissistic abuse.

You will find yourself blasting My Immortal, singing it loudly and passionately to his absent self hoping he would feel, something, anything, as if he ever cared one single ounce for you, because he didn’t. He can’t. He’s numb.

He despised me using my voice in the end, unveiling his true ways and that truth is, I loved a malignant, sociopathic, covert narcissistic person for 9 years. One driven by his own pain and agony as the wretched demonic attachments linger and strangle his heart further.

I was his main fuel supply for his every erotic, sadistic thought and act, his deepest devotion only to his manipulation and domination. My fear was his oxygen, his control was my nemesis, destruction and demise. For any other on his radar, close to being in his clutches, entrapped by this ongoing calculated mode, he will assuredly lure you in as his next victim and flying monkey. Sucked in to perform his cowardly dirty work for him, beware. These are his only means of controlling what is the only thing that ever mattered to him and is now uncontrollable, and that my darling, is me.

✍🏼🧖🏼‍♀️

This is how life goes it ebbs and it flows

Matthew 7:6 🙏🏻

What is right or even wrong, it’s all in a song

An angry little girl searching where she fits in
Her teenage self not so gangly yet thin

Boys attracted by her flirtatious smile and blue eyes
What they don’t see are the walls of her disguise

She learned early on how invisible she can be
Colors change with the wind and so could she

Who you need is what she will become
Transformation is how it’s all done

Submission was taught and equally expected
Relinquish all control or she would be rejected

At least then she felt a sense of belonging at last
To whom was the question quickly becoming her past

So much to think about, reflect and discern
A variety of things have helped her to learn

When does it stop, this death sentence lives on
Flip the music on, the answers are in that song

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The architect of my own nightmare

Trust in You 🙏🏻

Sleep the illusive one why must I chase you down
Trap and wrestle you to the ground

My heart it feels every crack, fracture and break
Isn’t it enough for my unsettled mind to escape

Every bait and switch was a work of art
You had me going right from the start

Today is just another wrecking ball sized blow
These fucking memories simmer and glow

Once twisted inside like tangled up knots
Have now become my everyday thoughts

They beckon and howl like a wolf in the night
Come play it out with me until we get it right

I saddled and rode this mystery out to the end
We lost more than the other was willing to bend

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

My dirty little secret

Break every chain, break every chain…🔒🗝⛓

She asked, “is that from a song, or the name of one?” I smiled and only nodded, but when I said it, I was lost in thought. Confused by my lack of response, she ventured off in the other room, allowing me to be alone with my previous thoughts. There was something to be said for secrecy.

When I was a child, my best friend and I always seemed to have a secret to tell. We made a game out of whispering something in the others ear and then swearing that to secrecy as if someone’s life depended on it. Our pinkies crossed, we spit in our palms and shook as we saw the boys do. There, now we have a solid promise with double insurance.

What on earth did a couple of 8 year old little girls have to keep so private? I guess it was the first act of many that would prove the other trustworthy. It wasn’t that those secrets were so deadly, offensive or of trouble, but there was something in the process of swearing to God, the famous pinky promise and the disgusting exchange of slimy palms that just made it all so pensive.

Did we ever go back on our word? We shared a lot of those so called secrets over the years and I don’t recall any repercussions like my hand falling off, or my skin peeling away and we are still friends to this day, so I guess we shall never know, but can safely assume we did abide by that strict code.

I flash forward back to this present day and forget about the lyrics to that old song as I retrace those memories and wonder where they came from. What ignited the buried remembrances and why? Again I murmured under my breath this time, dirty little secrets, hoping to find the thread and rip it out.

My mind took control and before I knew it, together we were recapturing or more like trapping, the images that were replaying in my head. What do you want, I asked as if they had the ability to answer, but I waited nonetheless. No answer came and I was forced to watch what felt like a movie of my life playing only I wasn’t the star. Suddenly it had become clear what the fuck was going on.

I’ve lived a life this long and the story is so far from over yet for all this time, I have not been the leading lady starring in my own life. I got it, the message was clear. I am beginning to feel the cuffs are loosening, the chains are breaking and the bondage is slowly being freed…

✍🏼🧖🏼‍♀️

Equal parts of pleasure and pain

That’s the addiction between them, but where’s the love, honor, devotion and respect?

Unhealthy as can be, walking along, him loving her, their desire undying, what else could they expect?

No ordinary life style created from the darkest part, the destruction of her broken heart.

Time over time she trusted him with it all, never believing the depths she would fall.

It isn’t who he is, but rather whom he’s become, she fights her own battles, with no escape or place to run.

For now it’s clear to see, her equal part gained pleasure with the pain she had endured, yet his love, she will forever treasure…

✍🏻🧝🏻‍♀️

The insanity cha cha

🧠🔨

She’s too tired to cry. She’s too worn to care. She’s too numb to feel. She’s too torn to choose.

She cries out, please hold my heart. She rises up, please heal my soul. She reaches out, please mend my spirit.

She’s not where she once was, but she’s not yet where she hopes to be.

He’s too tired to cry. He’s too worn to care. He’s too numb to feel. He’s too torn to choose.

He makes her cry with her heart so heavy. He holds her down wreaking havoc on her soul. He lets go of her hand as he unravels her spirit.

He’s not yet where he wants to be, but he’s not where he once was either.

The familiarity draws them close, makes him run, leaving her all alone.

Driven by fear, neither can receive God’s Favor to make it disappear.

In her darkest despair, she struggles to believe, he won’t trust so neither can receive.

✍🏻🧖🏼‍♀️

self abandonment ~ self acceptance

Losing sight of that thing that made me smile. Forgetting what it feels like to laugh without explaining the punchline. Stopping to remember how the littlest of things brought a smile to my lips. Quitting on myself when everything I wanted out of life became out of my reach.

Defeated…

Ignoring the words that cut deep inside
my heart. Dismissing the aggressive passivity when actions hurt my flesh. Denying the truth when it flashed directly passed my eyes. Lying to myself when I said I wasn’t hurting.

Destruction…

Picking myself back up after the seventh time. Learning that I cannot love too much. Deciding to stop going back to something that remains broken. Choosing me over all else for the very first time.

Selfless…

Mattering more than anything
Being exceptional
Never being perfect
Being exactly who I am

Freedom…

🧖🏼‍♀️✍🏻

Coming out of her deep, dark denial one piece at a time

“Nothing Left Inside”

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFd2kPQgImW/?igshid=r1sne7gq1o7c

Feeling like her skin has been peeled back as the sun bakes down on her exposed flesh. She is burning from stripping the layers of denial off, leaving her with the searing pain of the truth. She relives every detailed moment of each incident as if it were happening right here, right now. She tries to outrun them, but she can’t escape the memories. Her dreams hold her captive and startle her awake at times, bringing her anxiety back until she can awaken enough to remember where she is and that she is safe in her space. She bolts out of bed planting her feet on the ground, gasping for a breath, just one will do, but it takes many minutes to fully inhale and exhale.

They never understood their breakups, the discards, and this time, they don’t realize how the trauma has bonded her so tightly and why she cannot just break free. Neither does she, but fuck, she tries hard to sever it, all of it. Those ordinary people are living a common, vanilla, flavored life. She is tormented by the years of the secret lifestyle suppressed by his every move, his very nature, his discipline, corrections and punishments and now she will say it out loud… his abuse. Her body has been keeping score with faint marks still remaining upon her soft flesh while the flashbacks in her thoughts trigger her. Hyper vigilance has become part of her everyday life. Her mind kept tabs that were deeply engrained, creating new pathways that would continue far past their innumerable separations, including their last, their final.

Trauma bond—>
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

In their world, she wasn’t initially picked out of a lineup for her soul to be crushed, but that was what took place over a slow, calculated period of time. She was carefully selected by him because of her strength and confidence she exhumed. She would make an excellent supply source. He was drawn to that. She would be his. His clay to mold, his property to own, his body to create and modify. He wanted what she had for his very own undoing. It all went into the choosing process. She would become a kept woman and that would require a complete breakdown of her human spirit she once possessed in order for him to transform her into the little pet toy he wanted her to be, the one he needed her to become.

She feels the tightening of the straps that hold her tightly and the strike of the cane upon her tearing, searing flesh. The stings ignite her fresh wounds, feeling as if they’re on fire. Another one follows and she thinks the last will never come, but then he tells her to count them down. Sobbing, she is finally allowed to drag her snot filled nose across the tear stained sheets, then abruptly everything just stops. There are no more sounds. His voice was silent. Faint footsteps fading away is the only sound she hears over her own shallow, deep breathing.

The room went deadly quiet as he disappeared for a moment, emerging again with a bottle of soothing gel. At last he released the ties that bound her, literally, and she collapsed across the bed, shaking, trying to catch her breath, but all she knows is the relief of being free, for now. The hyperventilating subsided, but she can’t stop shivering. Then suddenly she feels him lying behind her, covering her with a warm blanket. He holds her tightly in his arms at last, her limp body whimpering in agony as he whispers softly in her ear, “good girl, suffering so beautifully for me. You know this makes you even better for me, right? That makes me so happy.” Her brain can’t engage or comprehend anything, only the warmth of him. She easily focuses on her broken, aching body and his words. The echoes of them run across her mind, jumbled and unclear, yet all she can do is sob and nod as he pulls her closer to him, stroking her hair, kissing her neck, “shhh, good girl.” Sleep now little one. Exhausted, she passes out.

She awakens what seemed like hours later. It was dark outside and everything was silent and eerie in the cold room where he tucked her in after, after… and then she remembered her punishment he had administered only an hour before. The sting was intense as she dragged herself up from the bed. She took her aching self down the hall where she knew she would find him, sitting at the computer, waiting for her arrival. “Hi baby girl, your’re awake”. Her eyes burning, her voice barely above a whisper, she nodded and he motioned for her to come closer. As she did, he pulled her to his lap, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her gently as he whispered his famous words, “it’s over, it’s done, it’s in the past”. She was quietly weeping and melted into him. This wasn’t the first time nor would it be the last…

His depravity haunts her still and she tries to outrun the affects, the visuals, the hauntings of what her life once was, but she always catches up and finds herself waiting there. Right where she left herself.
Fuck, You again?

She was his kept little girl, as he addressed her as, his. The reality was, she was a grown woman with severe daddy issues and the coercion he was inflicting upon her, the brainwashing and gas lighting had convinced her that all little girls receive this kind of “love and attention” when a daddy truly loves and desires them. She didn’t have a daddy of her own and she’d been abused for so long by her step monster, how could she possibly know any different? She believed him. She trusted him.

She’d lay there at night, a tear rolling down her cheek asking herself questions. Questions she didn’t have the answers for and he’d pull her close to him, whispering, “shh, sleep now baby girl. Everything’s alright.” but it never was.

Why did this please him so? Who was he? What was happening? How did she get to this place? Where had she gone? The amazing power of denial and the complete destruction of control. TPE a total mindfuck…

🧖🏼✍🏻

Through The Cracked Window (Revisited)

A poetry site. (If you like this post please click, "Follow," on the right menu.)

The Whole Cookie

crumbs are for the birds...and you love, deserve so much more

Maya Rose

Poet, Author, Artist and photography

Frankly Speaking

We need to talk.

Discover WordPress

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

The Atavist Magazine

crumbs are for the birds...and you love, deserve so much more

WordPress.com News

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.