Transformative ways

Peaceful transformations 🌷💫

A beautiful flutter amongst the trees
Butterflies birds hives and bees

Longing to share these with him
Nothing to do but simply begin

Her voice she faintly can hear
Go out and enjoy life without any fear

You’ve cared for others long and well
It’s time to spread your wings and tell

Stories of the past visions of the future
See yourself happy without that detour

Your heart longs for true love
Seek it from your Heavenly Father above

He is faithful in a way you can trust
Turn to Him always first and foremost

What would I do without you my dear
Everything is okay it is perfectly clear

Let’s not find out sweet friend
My broken heart can’t take another end

His plans are perfectly designed and true
You have to let me go to live life anew

Rest easy now flying high as I can see
Your spirit everlasting wild and free

You are in the moon, stars and all around
I have planted my feet on the ground

I’m smiling more than ever before
My heart is mending forever more

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Closing and opening doors

Matthew 7:7

A parting gift should you choose to take
Upon your crossing over to the finish line
I took your hand as you closed your eyes
A whisper from your lip a warm goodbye

Never do I truly know, it’s a sad feeling
Like an all knowing sense of calm
I turn to look at you with a tender smile
Your worn down self not another mile

I make my way down the hall to the door
Pausing again and wondering to myself
How much more can I give or even take
God holds my heart, this is no mistake

What I put in you is a rare and special gift
I know you are tired My child
You have served Me all of these years
Your weeping has not been wasted tears

You have been there for so many
This one and that the care you provided
I’ll move you forward now
The show is over, take your bow

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Action over words

✝️🧩🎚

Sometimes they just won’t come
but the emotions sound the drum

A feeling within turning round and round
Picking myself up 7 times from the ground

Going back is rarely better
Thrusting forth into unclear weather

Trusting His promises to always be
Mending what’s broken inside of me

Your strength lifts me higher
Reminding me the devil is a liar

he believed he had me defeated
Until one day I retreated

Back into Your loving arm
Safe again from destructive harm

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Saved

Redemption 🙏🏻

Do I parish from this brick to my brain? Stuck in between this writing game.
This is my life, structured not planned.
Saved from the recourse of shame.

I need not be rescued by anyone of flesh.
Almighty and powerful much bigger than life.
My sole provider is inside me.
My teacher, my savior, protector from strife.

He has saved me from harm every time that I call.
His promises never fail me whenever I may fall.

Strap on His armor, His breastplate of faith, such valor.
His helmet for hope of salvation.
Lift my hands high He hears me even louder.

I’ve praised You through my storms
You’ve never left my side.
The eyes of my heart have opened far and wide.

✍🏼 🧝🏻‍♀️

Cluster B 🤮

Cluster B 🤮

Has someone ever made you feel completely worthless? Do you know they project their own unworthiness upon you? They will tear you completely down in order to build themselves up. That’s the empowerment they need to feel. Well, just to feel something, anything.

As a person with elevated super traits of agreeableness, tolerance, compassion, trusting, empathy and the list goes on, we become a target, the prey that these predators long for, need and seek out to find, possess and eventually… destroy for their sick pleasure of watching you suffer. They glorify in the fear they inflict and revel in your pain.

This is sadism at its sickest.

The only way to overcome the affects of this torturous lifestyle you’ve been a victim of, is to educate yourself so you can become smarter than they are sick. During the early stages of your healing recovery process you will begin to see all the ways in which you were misused and abused. It isn’t your fault. Because of your elevated loving super traits, you want to believe that others in this world are as you are, but sadly, those ones are not and never can be.

When you can finally come to terms with, it isn’t that they won’t change who they are, it is that they can’t, you will begin to breathe again. Personalities are hardwired and these predators are exactly that, animals. They have but one mission, to fuel their every need with the supply you provide.

They’re deficient, you’re sufficient.

⛓ Freedom 🦋

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Wisdom can come in small packages…

☮️💟🕉

Sitting with my 10 1/2 year old granddaughter as she’s doing 5th grade history homework, she reads passages to me and abruptly stops to declare, “that’s not right Grammy!” Clearly she’s upset, knowing her as well as I do, she expresses her opinion about the paragraph she just read. “They’re not Indians, that’s not okay to say. I’m not writing that for my answer.” My heart, warmed by her compassion and directness, I explained first that “history” is what we’re being told because we didn’t live back then. She balked at that, but then I commended her for being appalled and asked her what her preference is to fill in the blank on her paper. She said she would just write Americans. Then I handed her the missing tool and suggested she add Native to her answer. She smiled, agreed and wrote her new choice.

While I try to be cognitive of teachable moments and what I often find is I’m not always the teacher, regardless of someone’s age. We talked a little more about this. I praised her for standing on her convictions, beliefs and using her voice. I thought to myself how oppression has been the downfall of my life, hence the internal struggle. I can only imagine the horrific stories from history and particular heritages, what they encountered and endured.

The topic of evolving took place with her next. We aren’t where we once were, but we aren’t yet where (I hope) we are going either. That’s being a difference maker, I explained. Not just standing by, quietly accepting the unacceptable or tolerating intolerance. Tell me more about your heart, I asked her. Never dismiss or fear the true words, thoughts and feelings of a child (or adult) because given a safe space, they will always honor their truth.

Is it merely human nature or even the human condition that we make up stories in our own minds, judging others for why they are in the spot they are in in life? It happens all the time, the assumption of another’s choices and blaming them for why they are in this or that predicament when the reality is, we can’t possibly know their story without asking them. We simply don’t know what we don’t know. (wisdom from my wise 87 year old friend)

Taking a moment to understand someone else as I listen to their thought provoking perspective makes me smile in gratitude. Being right is far less important to me than loving someone where they are. That being said, I leave you with this mantra; I’ll be quiet (not silent), you can be right and I’ll be happy. There is no price tag on civility and Serenity, but there sure as shootin’ is a cost for close mindedness.

If God (insert your personal Source here) meant for us to pray and believe only one way, why did He create so much diversity? Love is love for humankind. Be the change you want to see. Fear less by being fearless. I’m proud of my (almost 5) grand-youngsters and what their parents (my kids) are teaching them about equality and human rights. It’s a beautiful thing to witness.

Take it back

Freedom

She knelt upon her knees
Begging him please
Then she picked herself up from the floor
Stared him in the eye, I am not your whore

On her heel she spun
This time she had won
Gone from his sight
Disappearing into the night

Her life became her own
As she stood there on her throne
From this day forward amongst all the rest
You bow before me the queen of the nest

Her worth now intact
She took herself back
Taller with pride
Taking it in stride

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Chasing positivity

☮️🏃‍♀️

Reflection over my life so far, I’ve learned to run after a positive mindset. Greatly wanting to live this way, but always battling with it. I can give kudos and be outwardly uplifting with an abundance of encouragement, for you. This is who I am. This is what I do. But what about me? Where is that self care and love component to gift myself?

They tell me self forgiveness and acceptance is how I will achieve this. Then I go down the rabbit hole where the misery lives. It’s dark and damp, with cobwebs and it kind of smells like death. I don’t purposely fall down in there. I do allow others to trample my heart and that’s when I find myself climbing out yet again.

So far spending time getting reacquainted with me has been both enlightening and disappointing at the same time. Regret is not a common word in my vocabulary. I’ve enough emotional recovery and healing to understand the positive influence every experience has had on my spirit. Then I tend to combat it with a negative connotation because this is how I have been conditioned. Trained out of deserving peace and comfort, even joy. At least on a more often than not basis. That can be debilitating and quite depressing.

I’ve come to dislike those positive memes. Don’t send me the rainbows and unicorns with puppies and kitties telling me to have a bright sun shiny day. Those don’t resonate with me. I need to know that I’ve walked through some hard fucking shit and I am a survivor. In other words, remind me how far I’ve come and that I am ok!

I know this too shall pass and all the other quirky slogans I’ve learned and implemented into my everyday living, but most days I simply need to just be authentically me. A craft I have yet to perfect and likely never will, but my ultimate goal… to be comfortable in my own damn skin. Finding that balance between my own satisfaction and happiness while participating in this event called life. Is it always going to be a chore or will I wake up one day and everything will magically just smooth out? I highly doubt that and I am curious to know the antidote. Meanwhile I will just keep on keeping on, loving you with my whole heart as I work to gift this to myself.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The battleground where you play

https://www.instagram.com/p/CSzj46opZLP/?utm_medium=copy_link

I cried a solemn tear as another decided to join. A flood fell from my eyes, few of them have fallen over these past 2 years, I just hadn’t realized.

I’ve been holding my breath forgetting now and then. Relearning not to stuff things down, that life will begin again.

Today we sat in a formal court of law and chaos, only to have it postponed a dreaded 3 more months of hell. I glanced over in disbelief with the days passing by in jest.

Not knowing you’ll take yourself with you everywhere you go. Escaping is your game, haunting you in the night the demons start to glow.

Such a coward in a withering state. How did you convince me of so many horrid things? Running swiftly from your trap through the once locked down gate.

Faster I go till I reach the other side. My tear stained cheeks, no sacred place to hide.

I hate you for all of the things you’ve done. The torment you placed deep within, I battle it everyday. But more than that I despise who you’ve become.

You’ve disappointed me repeatedly, making me gasp. Unclench your fingers wrap them around your own neck. I’m reaching out for freedom in a world that I can grasp.

I fought to hold on
Now I battle to let go
Your presence inflicts residue
Your absence reflects turmoil

What a fucked up mind
Wreckage created by you
All you’ve left behind
There’s nothing more I can do
You’ve hurt me for the last time

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Unraveling

Begin again… transform 🦋

She was tenacious when it came to believing what she thought she needed, and that was him. Far beyond their expiration date and her tolerance of his neglect and torment she clung. White knuckling the life she fantasized, the tighter her grip, the more relentless he became. The addiction cycle prevailed as the destruction and demise ensued.

Breathing had transformed into a chore, labored and choking. His twisted beliefs ravaged her every thought, move and decisions that were no longer hers to make. He had devoured her and she was consumed. Her immediate response to his touch, his words and especially his body language, was to never disappoint him while completely betraying herself.

She had found herself tethered to this neurotic, sadistic human, whom she would discover was really an empty, wounded, broken shell. His pain inside ignored heightened his desire to inflict it upon her. Emotionally, physically and especially psychologically as he pulled her cuffs tighter, his noose around her neck cinched as she gulped. She was his kept property.

How could she break free of the restraints and stay by his side? She could only dream, and that’s all she ever did. Her body was not her own. She had long since detached from it. How else could she endure this life she found herself in?

He was good at this game. Distracting her from her own mind. Convoluting his words while mincing them with his actions. Was she crazy? Could he be right? Did she not hear what he truly meant? Her brain on fire as she worked to read between the transcripts of their one sided conversations. He’s a bully, she thought to herself. More than the mean kid on the playground. Is that where it started with him? She wondered.

She struggled daily to analyze the two of them. Her heart longed for what it could never receive. Her brain constantly reconciling with what was happening. Maybe he’s right. She is the broken little girl inside after all. She must be the one who needs fixing so she will continue to abide by his every rule and expectation of her. Keep working for his love, attention and affection is what she told herself.

This ball of yarn, tattered and worn, had become her sacred space to cling to now. Somewhere, deeply within it, was holding her hope. How will she find it and retrace her way back? She knows she has battle scars and wounds running deep. She didn’t come out of this unscathed, but going from victim to survivor has been her only goal these days. She’ll keep talking and writing until that skein is down to its last bit of what has her bound still. Until then, she’ll do what it takes to unravel the mass of devastation. His secretive ways being revealed, unveiling them for her sanity, saving her soul.

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

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