and tomorrow will be another new beginning…
and tomorrow will be another new beginning…
One day you will;
and when you do…
As I warn you of his darkest secrets, I can feel his hand around my neck, pulling my hair back with the other while he leads me to the bed where I would find myself bound face down, ankles tied to a dowel, rear end arched in the air, naked and exposed, completely at his mercy where he would begin administering his correction with corporal punishment by means of a cane, all the while asking why you did what you did, telling you to count down every painful swat as the lacerations trickle red fluid and you will weep and you will sob and you will be terrified to stay and tormented to leave and you will wonder if he means it when he says, I love my good little girl…so you stay, broken and defeated only to fall asleep and question… it all
You will wake up one day very soon, consumed with anxiety while confusion ensues and fear will rule your world and he will revel as you wriggle. He will coerce and convince you that you have a masochistic little girl deep down inside just to feed his sadistic appetite. He will take this as far as possible, insidiously it will overtake your world and then you will find it near impossible to escape as the pathways of your brain become trampled. You begin questioning yourself, believing his words and then you will disappear inside your mind, lost to yourself and the world you once knew.
He will invest in you in ways that make only him happy, so long as you worship and serve solely him and you don’t disrupt his intentions and goals to use you, possess and keep you for his property to use at his disposal, that way he can destroy you and you won’t know what’s coming.
You will unintentionally cross him, guaranteed, and he will call it catastrophic. The dismissals of you will begin. Each and every time he discards you, will be more painful the the last and he will do this, time and time again, until you become wise to him, then and only then will he begin his sick psychotic cycle again and every time he summons you back will be worse than the time before and this will become your bond of trauma, your life and none of it will be real, except his sickness of narcissistic abuse.
You will find yourself blasting My Immortal, singing it loudly and passionately to his absent self hoping he would feel, something, anything, as if he ever cared one single ounce for you, because he didn’t. He can’t. He’s numb.
He despised me using my voice in the end, unveiling his true ways and that truth is, I loved a malignant, sociopathic, covert narcissistic person for 9 years. One driven by his own pain and agony as the wretched demonic attachments linger and strangle his heart further.
I was his main fuel supply for his every erotic, sadistic thought and act, his deepest devotion only to his manipulation and domination. My fear was his oxygen, his control was my nemesis, destruction and demise. For any other on his radar, close to being in his clutches, entrapped by this ongoing calculated mode, he will assuredly lure you in as his next victim. Sucked in to perform his cowardly dirty work for him, beware. These are his only means of controlling what is the only thing that ever mattered to him and is now uncontrollable, and that my darling, is me.
I’ve rehearsed every line practiced in my sleep
Exactly what I’ll say just to find some peace
The day is drawing near another rabbit hole I slid
All because of your undoing it is time to close the lid
My light was dimmed not even a small spark
These gloves are swinging punching in the dark
Mystified in misery anger fluid and abound
Not one more fight left crashing to the ground
Standing tall before my eyes wiping away the tears
Finding it hard to believe I wasted so many years
Pausing only a brief moment in this singular display of pride
I raised my hands up in the air taking it all in stride
My flesh for you is no longer I take it all back
No human should suffer the likes of your own lack
And with a deep breath I could never quite swallow
I took my first step and chose not to follow
He walked out of the mini mart to pump the gas. They weren’t married, not yet. Had she been more aware, who knows? He was noticing a man paying attention to her and it angered him. He became enraged at her, mumbled some foul words as he got behind the wheel and sped off, as if her beauty that attracted men was her fault, or a curse. This would become her norm, his insecurities that devoured him and she was his obsession.
The engagement happened as she imagined. Her regret was sharing the fantasy of what it looked like and he replicated it like a script. His lack of originality disappointed her and this would continue throughout their marriage. Years passed by as their growing family blessed her and filled her heart and fed the emptiness, while he spiraled into the darkness unable to manage his jealousy, he began to demean her.
Tainted by his weaknesses she would seek attention that didn’t make her skin crawl and even welcome the kindness of strangers, but she remained faithful in body. His control was killing her and eventually she revolted, acting upon her impulses she thought would take her away from the insanity, but it only made things worse.
She was a mother first and a woman with needs second. She could no longer ignore her desire to feel special, wanted and yearned for. Her affair she was told would be considered retaliatory. A lady’s innate need for protection and be given provision for his object of affection became clouded by that deep power of possession. He began to oppress her femininity solely for himself. Suspicious of her every move, she knew of his prior infidelities, despised his addictions and loathed the sight of him.
Five years would pass. He walked into her experience, self proclaimed he was damaged goods, but she just smiled. The discarding began early on, only after his love bombing and idealizing of her cemented her heart with his. The insidious cycle of his abuse took her deep inside herself. Hiding in the depths of her own bewilderment and confusion, she knew he had taken possession of her.
Trapped again under another’s control, she felt the demise, the assassination of her character, her soul at large, spirit on the run, how would she break free of this bondage? Too frightened to leave and terrified to stay, she found solace in her voiceless existence.
Bruised by his marks of ownership, ashamed for her lack of strength, value and self worth, she began to examine her life, asking herself why she couldn’t escape the torment of the ties that bound her, until the night she did.
She is no ones possession of love
She thanked her profusely for never following through with her suicidal thoughts. She couldn’t bring herself to ask if there were actual attempts. She just let her brain assume so, but prayed there weren’t and won’t be anymore.
These two are so freakishly alike it’s a beautiful harmonious connection. They’ve shared those thoughts as if these were good bonding moments. Really what it says is, “I know better than anyone, and understand your heavy heart, the devastating pain and deepest hurts you’re feeling”. Her mama couldn’t possibly know how she felt exactly, but the agony resonated. The feelings of complete despair and just a desire for the pain to stop. Yeah, that she gets.
Mama sits with her, she’s learning to listen, really hear her child’s anguish, obstacles, fears and all the past that floods her head and it all pours out. Sometimes her words are accompanied with anger and outbursts still, almost always with tears and probably for a long while still with confusion of what to do next. “Take it slow, but definitely at your pace”, she encourages her.
Let her just vomit her words so the poison is extracted. “It’s ok”, she tells her, “I can hold it for you sweetie, I can take it”. Mama knows her frustration isn’t about her necessarily. She can be her sounding board, but not her punching bag or doormat. She’s learned that part of detachment pretty well. It’s not without difficulty when it’s your own child.
Ever since she was 12 her favorite expression was, “I got this mom”. And you know, she always has. Mama smiles intently at her, “I know baby, but it’s ok not to have it all figured out right here right now. Give time time and let things come to you naturally when you can. Forcing solutions can be frustrating as hell, as can sitting still, I know”.
Their talks are more frequent now and her mama is grateful for the relief she sees in her child’s face more often, now and then, here and there. This is only the beginning of all the transitions ahead, yet the only thing that ever matters to her mama is her children’s happiness, contentment and feeling loved, all of them.
She gave birth to her and her brothers, she has them all on borrowed time and she knows this too well. Time is fleeting and life is precious. How quickly it can disappear, how fragile it actually is. Guilt consumes her some days. The “if only’s” play out in her head and she cries. Sadness overwhelms her at times and she makes time to call her child just to say I love you. She can’t seem to hug her tight enough when she sees her. Never again will she ever feel her mama’s absence, nor will her brothers.
She thinks they still need her as they always have, but really it’s mama who’s needing them more.
He was two, his vocabulary off the charts. A beautiful little child, expressive with a smile that sparked her mama’s heart, yet in the same breath, an unexplainable sadness about him. The frustrations were more frequent and the ability to comfort and soothe him were becoming increasingly difficult. At times he was inconsolable.
He was the middle child with a brother on either side. While the games they played were rough and tumble, he never much enjoyed them. As he grew, so did his sensitivity level. Mama became increasingly concerned. She began to wonder if her sweet little one needed therapy, for a toddler, a preschooler and eventually an adolescent? She was tormented and torn by his unexplainable agony, but this paled in comparison to what her child was dealing with, severe emotional pain, trauma, inner turmoil and self abuse with increasing suicidal tendencies.
She blamed the father of their three children. After all, he was the more broken one, the one who drank too much and often didn’t come home. Of course this child felt the tension and abandonment repeatedly. She missed the clues, they were so blatant, but only in retrospect.
Guilt washed over her, protect her babies from suffering was her obsession. Her focus had become tunneled, her energy consumed by what he was and was not doing for her, for them. Divorce became inevitable and so it came.
These three were the center of mama’s universe. Her sole purpose for being and now, she was all they had. With two tweens and a teen, they embarked with a fresh start, but it was becoming increasingly more challenging.
They were finding their footing, though mama was very strict, she was highly encouraging and supportive of their individuality. This same child seemed more devastated with every passing year, constantly testing her patience, he was heightened by his emotions, defiant yet fragile, sensitive and loving, with such rage and anger. He had become hell bent on breaking out and fighting for independence. Life was hard at times, but they were a team, the four of them. They always found their way, together.
Mama taught them about choices, they were theirs to make, but to know, the consequences also belonged to them, regardless, so try to choose wisely.
Her then 16 year old came home one day, his girlfriend beside him to announce they were having a baby. Six weeks after they graduated high school, a beautiful baby girl blessed all our lives, drawing them even closer as a family. This precious little girl was the joy that his mama thought was beginning to ground him, bring him a new purpose and a reason for living a wonderful life. Though it made a new set of challenges and difficulties, he took his role as a daddy very seriously and still does.
By age 27, this amazing person found a new sense of courage. A brave stand that would allow him the freedom to get very real and honest with himself after a lifetime of denying his true identity. The words he braced mama for, the ones that took four hours that night to find the courage to speak, four hours and nearly 27 years. With tears of relief streaming down his eyes, he blurted them out, “Mom, I’m a woman.”
And her mama sat there just listening to the words as they washed over her. A smile emerged from her lips, while a single tear rolled down her cheek and a sigh of relief escaped her breath. In that moment, “I love you sweetie” was all her child needed to hear as she herself melted for the acceptance from the woman who raised her…
Sex describes the biological sex a person was assigned at birth. It’s based on biological characteristics of maleness or femaleness as indicated by chromosomes, gonads, hormones and genitals.
Gender identity is a component of gender that describes a person’s psychological sense of their gender.
Seems fairly straightforward. So why the confusion? I’m going with, fears, doubts, unwillingness to be educated and the only real “choice” surrounding this hot topic is being open minded. Instead they face the closed mindedness and ignorance, uneducated, uninformed, prejudice, homophobic, gender phobic, stubbornness and whole lot of uncomfortableness for truth in their daily lives. They fight battles they shouldn’t have to, struggles, obstinacy and cruelty as if they aren’t human with all the same basic rights of equality, peace, love and respect every person deserves.
It’s common for people to confuse sex, gender, and gender identity. But they’re actually all different things.
This topic has been created to be an issue for many generations now when the fact is, it simply needs to be understood as truth for humans. Changing minds could be the goal, but really it is acceptance and the ability to evolve.
Rarely do people like to be told they’re wrong, but if you think gender identity is a choice, you’d be incorrect.
Live and let live. Why do I even have to say that?
When will the other shoe drop I used to wonder. It always did. I’d sit and wait and impatiently ponder.
Would she come home drunk yet again? Better prepare supper just in case, either way I wasn’t going to win.
I was to you the brightest shining star. Your precious baby girl, but you let things get too far.
It wasn’t really your fault for my undoing. Somewhere along the line you lost your footing.
Could I simply walk to kitchen without him peering? I’d try to sneak by and she would catch you leering.
What was my crime for being a young teenaged girl? You were a twisted man getting a cheap sick thrill.
Work harder to be invisible from the attention, maybe it would stop. Such a fucking nightmare waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My assignment she gave me, a grief letter with instructions what to do
Write it out on paper like somehow that will help me get over you
She hears my heart and knows I’ve been drifting awhile
Angrily I told her, please help me to stop obsessing so I can once again find my smile
The opener would say, no one ever fought for me, but I never stopped swinging, fighting for that love
A broken little girl who just desired to be wanted and cherished simply for who I was
I know my daddy loves me, the 20 times I saw him he told me this as so
You reminded me of the same, in fact the words went like this, “I said that I love you, once was enough for you to know”
All these years I’ve been working on my insides, mending what needs fixing, soothing what needs comfort, fighting for what ought to be freely given
I can see it in the distance, how life is supposed to go and I am choosing the path that shows me what it’s like to be living
Coulda shoulda woulda such a tormented little game
I’ll start to leave those phrases out, the ones which lay forth all the blame
Grief is like a party for us who show up to play the part
But really for me, all it does is remind me of my hurting, fractured heart
The conclusion might read something along these blurred lines and such
We are all a little flawed, imperfect little humans, but for me, I don’t ask for much
I can articulate my pain, sadness and struggles better than most
But for you all, no no, pour another round, raise your glass high to give yourself a toast
Thank God for my journey and path where it has led
I lay myself down at night, taking it all in as I curl up in my bed
I pray for the lost, the weary and weak
For those who still suffer looking at life as it were bleak
Each and every one who has taken something from me
I am being restored by grace and honor and even with a little more dignity
In the quiet space of my mind I hear God’s whispers and I believe what I hear and tell myself. It’s in the noisy places out there I hear the world’s shouts. But I have this child like hope that lingers deep inside my heart. The one that says I can do anything and then someone gives me doubt. It’s in those moments I retaliate with my, shut the fuck up attitude and an, I got this!
I walked into the gym today, frustrated and even a little angry. It was terribly hot in there, it felt like a sauna. I became annoyed. Am I going to admit defeat before I even start, but then who’s winning? Not the girl I see in the mirror. I suited up and showed up for this. No whining with these 6 other awesome gym rats gettin’ it done. Not another chick amongst them. I sucked it up, grabbed some dumbbells and got to it.
I found a playlist, adjusted my headphones, tightened my pony and with each rep and every round, I felt strengthened. It began to remind me of my life. The way I cower to some men. Feeling like I don’t belong in their presence. That somehow they’re above my grade to breathe the same air or take up some of the same space, theirs. Bullshit. Every one of these gentlemen was just that today, courteous and polite, even slightly chivalrous. We had fun. I belong here I told myself.
My vision I’ve had for years was flashing across my mind as the sweat rolled down my back. I will have everything I desire. This is my one awesome life. No one will ever tell me different, again. Discourage me and I’m done with you. Ridicule me and you’re gone too. Underestimate me, hmm that could be fun. I wouldn’t.
To all of you who’ve pushed me around
To all of you who’ve torn me down
To all of you who said I can’t
To all of you who told me no
Watch me rise
Enjoy the show
He needed me desperately so. The way a child cries out though grown now, his suffering remains and you said no.
How could I know what was lying in wait? Then you came along, pretending like I mattered, you actually told me I did, I was stupid and took the bait.
She was lost and sinking below, her hand stretching out, please don’t let me fall.
Lock all the doors and close the windows tight. If she comes by to get in, she’ll find it a colder dark night.
You cruel heartless man I let into my life. How dare you make me choose between you and my children causing nothing but strife.
You fooled me every step of your dark way. How I cried and caved in to your insidious hurtfulness.
I was nothing more than your prey.
My spirit was shattered believing the promises that were spoken. It took valuable time and hard lessons to learn I was nothing more than a token.
So much time has passed and been forgotten but not for me, reliving the homicide to my
soul that was broken.
Resurrection takes place a little at a time, restoration precludes all the damage that’s done, repairing the splinters I hold in my hand.
They all forgave me without a moment to think. Each understood the callous contempt, yet unforgiveness darkens their heart.
I’m what matters most in their world, you were a mere space in time, evoking from me every pound of flesh you could possibly grind.
I dare to be overdramatic, but true. Be gone with you my love, no more. I turned around to see that I’ve finally closed the God damned door…
What is right or even wrong, it’s all in a song
An angry little girl searching where she fits in
Her teenage self not so gangly yet thin
Boys attracted by her flirtatious smile and blue eyes
What they don’t see are the walls of her disguise
She learned early on how invisible she can be
Colors change with the wind and so could she
Who you need is what she will become
Transformation is how it’s all done
Submission was taught and equally expected
Relinquish all control or she would be rejected
At least then she felt a sense of belonging at last
To whom was the question quickly becoming her past
So much to think about, reflect and discern
A variety of things have helped her to learn
When does it stop, this death sentence lives on
Flip the music on, the answers are in that song
The struggle she faces so torn up inside
They knew from the beginning how to divide
This upheaval of emotions riddled in fear
She couldn’t find the words so her secret she held near
As she grew up to question her true value and self
She learned to conform with her feelings on the shelf
The rage burned within while she cried and she screamed
Life was getting harder than she could have dreamed
Since the day she was born it was known only to her
The truth of the matter was more than a blur
Her pain continued to grow with every passing day
Nothing ever felt quite right but how could she stray
Amongst the many battles she had to dread
None of them compare to the one inside her head
The worst part of all that rips at her heart
Is the lack of acceptance that tears her life apart
This road she travels has been worn by others shoes
They’ve trekked long before and still they fight to prove
Get over your fucking selves you judgmental, close minded, ignorant ones
Human race filled with indifferences, these are our daughters and these are our sons
Intolerance will start a war blatantly with hate
At the end of our lives who’ll be the ones standing at the gate
Sleep the illusive one why must I chase you down
Trap and wrestle you to the ground
My heart it feels every crack, fracture and break
Isn’t it enough for my unsettled mind to escape
Every bait and switch was a work of art
You had me going right from the start
Today is just another wrecking ball sized blow
These fucking memories simmer and glow
Once twisted inside like tangled up knots
Have now become my everyday thoughts
They beckon and howl like a wolf in the night
Come play it out with me until we get it right
I saddled and rode this mystery out to the end
We lost more than the other was willing to bend
He didn’t open her door when she stood beside it, but only for a moment did she wait. She climbed in her seat there beside him, she seemed content and I thought of you…
(Opening my door as I skillfully slid into my space next to you while you pulled out my seatbelt so graciously handing it to me)
They arrived at the restaurant, again she exited the truck, meeting him around the back where they made small talk heading to their destination and
I thought of you…
(I remained still, grinning as you walked over to my side once more, opening my door, offering your hand, I emerged as we made our way)
She stood outside the door looking at the sign, he said, “Allow me” as he grabbed the handle to the door, she stepped inside and
I thought of you…
(My hand never touched a door as long as I was with you)
They were seated, the menus presented and the question, “can I start you off with a drink” and
I thought of you…
(One menu was all that was required, my drink was chosen along with my meal, handled with care)
He picked up the check not a word was exchanged except when she offered to pay her share. He reached for his wallet thanking her, then stating he’d have to give up his man card while handing it off to the server without hesitation and
I thought of you…
(One of our first dates I noticed the price and you thanked me for being thoughtful then assured me it would be alright, the cost wasn’t an issue. I relaxed, feeling special)
She thanked him for treating her to a pleasant evening and wondered what to do next so they left out the door and she casually laced her hand through the bend in his arm and
I thought of you…
(Next to you I felt taken care of, protected and safe, looked after and thought, I felt loved)
There was the truck, the one they open their own doors for, the one they return home in, to the house they reside and
I thought of you…
(Again you pull open the door, buckle me in, my hand on your knee as it slides up your thigh, a peck on the cheek, with a twinkle in my eye. I thank you for a lovely evening, for treating me like your queen, I can hardly wait to get home to show you all the love in my heart)
He flips on the TV and she checks her phone. Divided by some walls, back to their own separate interests and distractions, it’s like the spark and the magic were left somewhere far behind and
I thought of you…
(We barely made inside with our hearts beating deeply, your hands all up in my hair, the door closes quickly as clothes fall to the floor)
She makes her way to the chilly room where she lays her head. At some point he will take his place beside her all cozied up in their bed. She’s fast asleep and he’s quiet while he slips between the sheets and
I thought you…
(We walk together down the darkened hallway to find that safe, familiar place, the warmth of your body comforts me while mine stirs up all your deepest desires)
They closed the door to the wonderful night without another word, he turned off the light, she rolled over, her back turned to him, now he lies there staring at the ceiling asking himself where have you been and
I thought of you…
(Engulfed in your arms I feel your hot breath, it smells like tequila, I smile to myself being pulled in closer, I don’t want to breathe if it means loosening your grip, I exhale, we are immersed, becoming just one, please don’t let me wake. I know you feel loved and I do too) and
I thought of only you…
A poetry site. (If you like this post please click, "Follow," on the right menu.)
crumbs are for the birds...and you love, deserve so much more
Poet, Author, Artist and photography
We need to talk.
A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.
crumbs are for the birds...and you love, deserve so much more
The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.