A big stretch up to the sky as dawn kisses her cheek. Good morning she says, aloud to the silence. She greets each day with a grateful heart. Deep breath in and a long exhalation of the past that sometimes haunts her still.
With another gift, an abundance of love, she questions the validity of her life. Her purpose she thought she once knew, rendered obsolete, nothing was true. Being reminded by this fragrance and that special place, letting go isn’t so easy, but necessary to keep on breathing.
Today is less about the loss of what was as more emphasis is put on the freedom she is reluctant to feel, but now is. She watches them while she sees the light flicker in their eyes. Others who pay her the attention she was always instructed to ignore. She smiles back at them now and then, yet inside, deeply feeling rejection towards all.
Too soon or too late, she is where she is, growing and learning simply wanting new friends. No longer seeking that white knighted, makeshift alpha or fake savior. Becoming comfortable with her own company while she continues to blossom and bloom. They don’t understand, although some say they do, that her completeness comes from the brokenness within.
You set the pace in this rugged little rat race I turned for a moment stuck in the torment This seductive game I couldn’t be contained Shrewd yet so weak pretending I was meek Calling your bluff in your ridiculous cuffs Rolling my eye no more tears left to cry Pathetic to any shunned by many Digging your way down buried underground I laugh at you now with your furrowing brow Disapproval lashing about fuck off hear my shout This battle is over the war won covers me in clover Flourishing in joy no longer your ragged little toy Dead soul torn apart what once held your heart You’ve lost much more than I gave you credit for Etched upon my brain your turn to feel such pain It all began with you telling me nothing ever true Blood boiling red your skin peeling so to shed Addiction is your enemy but I however am set free Taunt me more believe what you don’t know Hell is where you reside not a soul on your side Only in the wake of your demise you fall not rise Me on the other hand unstoppable taking a stand Tell me again once more with conviction about honor respect and love Oh wait that’s right yours is only a contradiction You taught me more than I ever bargained for Let me praise Him for pushing me out the door Stop listening to his demands Only the righteous One commands The world will shout but the Man whispers about “Get off his back Get out of God’s way Get on with your life” Get it? Got it? Good!
Strangled by oppression, eventually anger will build and pool in the very soul that was created in love. Out of fear and doubt, the inability to speak, my insides cry and lash out. Why can’t I exhume my deepest thoughts? What I say matters, intellectually inspiring, there is so much to share.
Convicted as a child with emotions to express, ridiculed for feeling, thinking, with wants needs and desires. This would carry on and haunt me like the enemy adores, but God is my one and only, He blessed me with an almighty voice. Choosing to write is what’s saved my own life.
A reflection of what I’ve been carrying around, the pen flows my truth, saving me from being buried underground. At times there are poems rhyming and sometimes not. Uncomfortable to some, embraced by those who aren’t fearful nor flee. My words unbound placed upon my heart. The freedom to shed that has both kept me together and torn me apart.
Truly a masterpiece, His prized work in this aspiring vessel. His Mercy and Grace bringing forth what has been nestled. Now I can see it, my truest self worth I’ve always hidden. Staying this course will revise how I’ve lived, protecting the gifts I’ve been given.
There are people I love and things that I need, but in the end, I always receive everything I believe. When I stop chasing after those who run and hide, I am equipped to move towards what beckons from inside.
Back. Back from where? Was she ever really lost or just misguided? Her path obsolete, or obstructed? Her eyes lost sight of You. Her heart led astray, she gazes into darkness. What’s that strange glow over there? She wondered if she were to follow, where it would take her instead.
Alone. Could she even imagine? Her heart pounding with anticipation. Fear rises in her chest. Her breath gasps all the while as her feet press on. Trust this road. Strange as it may feel. Unsteady, untraveled, yet somehow safer, more will be revealed.
Brighter. The air smells clean. Her lungs catch the depth of her inhalation, taking another gulp. Releasing the toxins, her long exhalation, she sneaks one more and smiles. Even her vision, no longer impaired as she drinks in all the beauty in front of her.
Beckoning. The force pulls her. Unlike any she’s experienced before. This is sweeter, gentler, safer. “This way,” a soft whisper in her ear, “be the change you want to see”.
Puzzled. She shakes off the lies, pulls the constraints, flips the tape over to hear a different story. The one where she shines before her light went dim.
Solitude. She goes within. Silently she sits at last. Longer stretches of time pass. That awaited breath flows like never before. This must be what peace feels like.
Those lies, the ones they told me, I’m learning to rewrite the words in a way that inspires rather than devours me. In a word, or 4, I am a good person.
Ever get tired of listening to the sound of your own voice? The one that rattles on inside the corners of your mind? As I begin to take captive these very objective thoughts, I practice re-recording them. Now when I begin to play them back, I hear my voice, my truths, my consoling love and I let go. Capturing the simplicity and compassion I’ve longed for.
It isn’t in another where I seek and draw from the soothing joy I find within. I watch my daughter struggle with her inner being as she wrestles the demons that have haunted her, but she is all knowing. She always has been. She is a conqueror, a warrior and she’s afraid sometimes, but she rises up to take on the challenges of another day. I admire her completely. I support her in the ways she needs and I step back while she finds her way.
My life has been that incessant rollercoaster. This child of mine is most like me of all. She’s witnessed her mom’s struggles and has even inherited many of my traits. She is fiercely independent yet welcomes a hand up from her trusted allies. I embrace this journey she is on, loving her with absolute unconditional love while I learn by listening.
Even though she tells me not to be, I’m often apologetic for not seeing through her pain early in her life. I’m your mom I tell her, I knew instinctively of your hurting, but what it was I couldn’t figure out. I thank her for trusting me now. For being the bravest young person I’ve ever known. One who has courage when her fear stops her in her tracks, paralyzing her from taking a step on any given day, but somehow managing the next breath. In a world that is more divided, cannot accept diversity and is extremely judgmental, she perseveres. I tell her she has been blessed with this gift to do great things.
As my granddaughter and I walked up to join my daughter in line at the pharmacy yesterday, a woman in front had been chatting with her as they stood patiently awaiting their turn. She smiled at me as I took my place next to her and this kind, older lady asked, “is this your son? I was just saying there’s a twin in here that looks just like”… she trailed off, I felt my heart thump as this was my first encounter, an opportunity to practice my reply. I smiled at my daughter, hesitated, wanting to feel natural and proudly correct her, when the words, “they’re with me” escaped my lips just as my 9 year old granddaughter confidently spoke up, pointing at her dad, correcting the lady’s mistake… “her daughter”, she told the woman. “Ohh, sorry” her words apologetic and sincere. Both my daughter and I beamed as we looked at this unwavering little girl. We should all be so matter of fact, straightforward and honest.
She taught me a valuable lesson in that simple display of assuredness. This is not something to make any sort of issue out of, unless you choose to. Wisdom comes from the most untouched of places. I stood in awe and felt my heart swell in admiration. Life is as simple or difficult as we make it be.