The Whole Cookie
Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families.
As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations.
Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others.
Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long.
Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…
Reflection over my life so far, I’ve learned to run after a positive mindset. Greatly wanting to live this way, but always battling with it. I can give kudos and be outwardly uplifting with an abundance of encouragement, for you. This is who I am. This is what I do. But what about me? Where … Continue reading “Chasing positivity”
I cried a solemn tear as another decided to join. A flood fell from my eyes, few of them have fallen over these past 2 years, I just hadn’t realized. I’ve been holding my breath forgetting now and then. Relearning not to stuff things down, that life will begin again. Today we sat in a … Continue reading “The battleground where you play”
She was tenacious when it came to believing what she thought she needed, and that was him. Far beyond their expiration date and her tolerance of his neglect and torment she clung. White knuckling the life she fantasized, the tighter her grip, the more relentless he became. The addiction cycle prevailed as the destruction and … Continue reading “Unraveling”
She tells her truth no matter whatIt’s how she was raised and what she was taught Don’t begrudge her by hushing her nowThe spectacular voice has become a deafening roar You thought you could keep her silently in fearListen to her now watch her soar see her sneer What was so damaged that you couldn’t … Continue reading “Transformative”
Once upon a time, in her darkened little worldA hummingbird swooped down and asked, “what’s wrong little girl?” A sigh so heavy lifted from her chestGrinning at his twirling wings he settled in the nest A hush washed over her as she felt him sayEveryday I visit here and you never go astray She was … Continue reading “A girl and her bird”
A big stretch up to the sky as dawn kisses her cheek. Good morning she says, aloud to the silence. She greets each day with a grateful heart. Deep breath in and a long exhalation of the past that sometimes haunts her still. With another gift, an abundance of love, she questions the validity of … Continue reading “Retracing her steps”
Into the night she rannot knowing how she got thereor when it all began Faster her legs took herfar from it allit’s all such a blur Stopping to catch a breathsmiling to herselfsaved from her own death Feeling so alone nowshe knows the faithful Oneshe hits her knees to bow You rescue me time and … Continue reading “It’s not rejection, it’s God’s protection for the wrong direction…”
In the dark corners of my minda twisted thought evokesbut not your typical kind Etched upon my brainrolling around as I lash aboutrunning to escape the pain Such a fucked up systemhe sits up there feeling superiorboastfully believing in his own wisdom I stare over to you sickened by your framewhile the hustle and bustle … Continue reading “Checkmate”
You set the pace in this rugged little rat raceI turned for a moment stuck in the tormentThis seductive game I couldn’t be containedShrewd yet so weak pretending I was meekCalling your bluff in your ridiculous cuffsRolling my eye no more tears left to cryPathetic to any shunned by manyDigging your way down buried undergroundI … Continue reading “Stronger for it”
Strangled by oppression, eventually anger will build and pool in the very soul that was created in love. Out of fear and doubt, the inability to speak, my insides cry and lash out. Why can’t I exhume my deepest thoughts? What I say matters, intellectually inspiring, there is so much to share. Convicted as a … Continue reading “God anointed me to write”
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