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The Whole Cookie

Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families. 


As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations. 


Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others. 


Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long. 


Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…







I miss you

There’s this thing I do when I feel afraid or alone and I can’t or won’t cope with what’s happening all around. I disappear. Not in the physical sense of the word, but into a place of secret hiding where I feel safe. It’s simplistic and calm, but especially it’s quiet. So quiet that I … Continue reading “I miss you”

Deep thinker

He got it in his mind that women are to be more than submissive, but subservient and assuringly beneath him. The desperate need of his that they worship him as if he were a God. We are easily used, regularly dismissed and always ridiculed as if we possess no value or worth to dane to … Continue reading “Deep thinker”

The ties that bound me

She caught her breath, every time he spoke to her. Like a predator after his prey, he’d hover around for a few moments, closer he’d move near where she was before he made his way to exit the door. This became his dance he perfected over time. Toss a hook out and see if she’d … Continue reading “The ties that bound me”

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