The Whole Cookie
Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families.
As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations.
Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others.
Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long.
Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…
A beautiful flutter amongst the treesButterflies birds hives and bees Longing to share these with himNothing to do but simply begin Her voice she faintly can hearGo out and enjoy life without any fear You’ve cared for others long and wellIt’s time to spread your wings and tell Stories of the past visions of the … Continue reading “Transformative ways”
A parting gift should you choose to takeUpon your crossing over to the finish lineI took your hand as you closed your eyesA whisper from your lip a warm goodbye Never do I truly know, it’s a sad feelingLike an all knowing sense of calmI turn to look at you with a tender smileYour worn … Continue reading “Closing and opening doors”
Sometimes they just won’t comebut the emotions sound the drum A feeling within turning round and roundPicking myself up 7 times from the ground Going back is rarely betterThrusting forth into unclear weather Trusting His promises to always beMending what’s broken inside of me Your strength lifts me higherReminding me the devil is a liar … Continue reading “Action over words”
There are those times when I’d like someone to know what is going on in my life, the struggle, the trial and yes the heartache, but saying it out loud makes it more of a reality. Life is certainly interesting. Just like that, someone can come back into my life only to begin the process … Continue reading “Daddy”
Do I parish from this brick to my brain? Stuck in between this writing game.This is my life, structured not planned.Saved from the recourse of shame. I need not be rescued by anyone of flesh.Almighty and powerful much bigger than life.My sole provider is inside me.My teacher, my savior, protector from strife. He has saved … Continue reading “Saved”
Has someone ever made you feel completely worthless? Do you know they project their own unworthiness upon you? They will tear you completely down in order to build themselves up. That’s the empowerment they need to feel. Well, just to feel something, anything. As a person with elevated super traits of agreeableness, tolerance, compassion, trusting, … Continue reading “Cluster B 🤮”
Sitting with my 10 1/2 year old granddaughter as she’s doing 5th grade history homework, she reads passages to me and abruptly stops to declare, “that’s not right Grammy!” Clearly she’s upset, knowing her as well as I do, she expresses her opinion about the paragraph she just read. “They’re not Indians, that’s not okay … Continue reading “Wisdom can come in small packages…”
She knelt upon her kneesBegging him pleaseThen she picked herself up from the floorStared him in the eye, I am not your whore On her heel she spunThis time she had wonGone from his sightDisappearing into the night Her life became her ownAs she stood there on her throneFrom this day forward amongst all the … Continue reading “Take it back”
“You don’t know what you don’t know.”One of the wisest lessons I’d ever learned. Bill was 86 years old when I first met him last March. The week of his 87th birthday he was placed in an acute assisted living facility. He had terminal brain cancer and it had spread down to his neck. For … Continue reading “One of the few great men”
Reflection over my life so far, I’ve learned to run after a positive mindset. Greatly wanting to live this way, but always battling with it. I can give kudos and be outwardly uplifting with an abundance of encouragement, for you. This is who I am. This is what I do. But what about me? Where … Continue reading “Chasing positivity”
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