The Whole Cookie
Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families.
As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations.
Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others.
Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long.
Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…
She put pen to paperThen ran the water from the pipeWatched it drip down the river into the drain She imagined her thoughts as they washed awayDisappearing like the sunOn a cold wet day in the rain Her masked conscience muddled as it wereTorn and tattered her scars found outThat knife he used is all … Continue reading “Her pen is poised”
I could feel the famine as my tastebuds were tricked into savoring and becoming addicted to the flavor from the essence of meeting my needs. The chains that held me captive, though heavy, kept me trapped in a belief that this was my worth and value. My survival mode is what told me to remain … Continue reading “Spiritually enslaved”
Did you know the child you birthed, may not be whom you thought they were? Can you understand they may be struggling with something more powerful, cunning and baffling than their own imagination? Do you accept what they perceive and actually know to be their truth, yet they’ve suppressed it for so long? If you … Continue reading “Sharing is caring”
That’s the addiction between them, but where’s the love, honor, devotion and respect? Unhealthy as can be, walking along, him loving her, their desire undying, what else could they expect? No ordinary life style created from the darkest part, the destruction of her broken heart. Time over time she trusted him with it all, never … Continue reading “Equal parts of pleasure and pain”
He had cast a spell over me some time ago. I loved him when he was hurting me. I trusted him not to do it again. I believed him when he said he loved me. I questioned him in my mind and answered it to my heart. It was he who disappointed me. It was … Continue reading “He’s some kind of a sorcerer”
There’s still those nights when the poison must come out = the problem the hurt the pain There’s more days than before when the light shines through = the solution the hope the joy Seeing you in the distance, passing you on the road, stirs up emotions I have to unload… You threw me away … Continue reading “Please just let me be”
She’s too tired to cry. She’s too worn to care. She’s too numb to feel. She’s too torn to choose. She cries out, please hold my heart. She rises up, please heal my soul. She reaches out, please mend my spirit. She’s not where she once was, but she’s not yet where she hopes to … Continue reading “The insanity cha cha”
She sat in her bed as the sun streamed through Her heart feeling heavy as it had the day before She thought to herself why she continues to dwell A new day awakens her with a better story to tell Still she can’t help but wonder Why she can’t keep herself from going under She … Continue reading “Disappointment is overdone”
One day, you were there and the next, you were just gone Abandoned and all alone, no one left to call on the phone Closure was not a word she had ever heard She walked through her days like a zombie in a haze Is this how life is supposed to end, suddenly and tragically … Continue reading “Loose ends”
It is rising above with class, dignity and valor.It is for me not you. It is in the strength of letting go not holding on.It is for me not you. It is for my sanity and well being to be free.It is for me not you. It is accepting what happened without harboring a resentment.It … Continue reading “Forgiveness is an art”
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