The Whole Cookie
Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families.
As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations.
Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others.
Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long.
Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…
Into the night she rannot knowing how she got thereor when it all began Faster her legs took herfar from it allit’s all such a blur Stopping to catch a breathsmiling to herselfsaved from her own death Feeling so alone nowshe knows the faithful Oneshe hits her knees to bow You rescue me time and … Continue reading “It’s not rejection, it’s God’s protection for the wrong direction…”
In the dark corners of my minda twisted thought evokesbut not your typical kind Etched upon my brainrolling around as I lash aboutrunning to escape the pain Such a fucked up systemhe sits up there feeling superiorboastfully believing in his own wisdom I stare over to you sickened by your framewhile the hustle and bustle … Continue reading “Checkmate”
You set the pace in this rugged little rat raceI turned for a moment stuck in the tormentThis seductive game I couldn’t be containedShrewd yet so weak pretending I was meekCalling your bluff in your ridiculous cuffsRolling my eye no more tears left to cryPathetic to any shunned by manyDigging your way down buried undergroundI … Continue reading “Stronger for it”
Strangled by oppression, eventually anger will build and pool in the very soul that was created in love. Out of fear and doubt, the inability to speak, my insides cry and lash out. Why can’t I exhume my deepest thoughts? What I say matters, intellectually inspiring, there is so much to share. Convicted as a … Continue reading “God anointed me to write”
Back. Back from where? Was she ever really lost or just misguided? Her path obsolete, or obstructed? Her eyes lost sight of You. Her heart led astray, she gazes into darkness. What’s that strange glow over there? She wondered if she were to follow, where it would take her instead. Alone. Could she even imagine? … Continue reading “Finding her way…”
Those lies, the ones they told me, I’m learning to rewrite the words in a way that inspires rather than devours me. In a word, or 4, I am a good person. Ever get tired of listening to the sound of your own voice? The one that rattles on inside the corners of your mind? … Continue reading “Flip the script”
It’s in her last breath the relieved sense of letting goHer life unfulfilled yet blessed by the never ending show A raw existence cruelty by another’s handShe gave all she ever had but never took a stand Her smile so infectious laughter quite contagiousShe gave fake niceties that kept her spirit righteous Evolving over time … Continue reading “Destined for greatness”
Trembling through the fireYou taunted me todayI saw it in your eyesThat merciless desire Out of the oblivion you appearedTwisting along the country roadAlone with my thoughtsA familiar hand waving as I leered Suspicious of your calculated gazeMy throat caught a gaspNothing made senseAgain leaving me in a daze This shell has turned into dustWhat … Continue reading “Inner turmoil”
I don’t care to elaborate, but I digressThe leaders You chose to disciple are a hot mess From the Foursquare all the way to CalvaryThey stand before shouting the night away I hear them spew the Word hums of Your teachingStand pridefully up there practicing and preaching One ominous Sunday I heard the man expressHis … Continue reading “I am”
What the fuckI flip and I flopLike the hands on clockForward they moveStop in a groove You have my attentionBut waitMy obsessionDistracted by thisTortured by that Get up another dayTo tackle what’s newFace the oldEmbrace what’s askew Fuck my lifeIn this single momentLove what inspires meLet go of the torment Hold on to what’s rightTattered … Continue reading “Life is in session”
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