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The Whole Cookie

Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families. 


As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations. 


Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others. 


Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long. 


Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…







Daddy

There are those times when I’d like someone to know what is going on in my life, the struggle, the trial and yes the heartache, but saying it out loud makes it more of a reality. Life is certainly interesting. Just like that, someone can come back into my life only to begin the process … Continue reading “Daddy”

Saved

Do I parish from this brick to my brain? Stuck in between this writing game.This is my life, structured not planned.Saved from the recourse of shame. I need not be rescued by anyone of flesh.Almighty and powerful much bigger than life.My sole provider is inside me.My teacher, my savior, protector from strife. He has saved … Continue reading “Saved”

Cluster B 🤮

Has someone ever made you feel completely worthless? Do you know they project their own unworthiness upon you? They will tear you completely down in order to build themselves up. That’s the empowerment they need to feel. Well, just to feel something, anything. As a person with elevated super traits of agreeableness, tolerance, compassion, trusting, … Continue reading “Cluster B 🤮”

Take it back

She knelt upon her kneesBegging him pleaseThen she picked herself up from the floorStared him in the eye, I am not your whore On her heel she spunThis time she had wonGone from his sightDisappearing into the night Her life became her ownAs she stood there on her throneFrom this day forward amongst all the … Continue reading “Take it back”

Chasing positivity

Reflection over my life so far, I’ve learned to run after a positive mindset. Greatly wanting to live this way, but always battling with it. I can give kudos and be outwardly uplifting with an abundance of encouragement, for you. This is who I am. This is what I do. But what about me? Where … Continue reading “Chasing positivity”

Unraveling

She was tenacious when it came to believing what she thought she needed, and that was him. Far beyond their expiration date and her tolerance of his neglect and torment she clung. White knuckling the life she fantasized, the tighter her grip, the more relentless he became. The addiction cycle prevailed as the destruction and … Continue reading “Unraveling”

Transformative

She tells her truth no matter whatIt’s how she was raised and what she was taught Don’t begrudge her by hushing her nowThe spectacular voice has become a deafening roar You thought you could keep her silently in fearListen to her now watch her soar see her sneer What was so damaged that you couldn’t … Continue reading “Transformative”

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