The Whole Cookie
Can we all just take a moment and breathe? Sometimes I’m overcome with words and the need to express them.The word that keeps swirling around in my mind is division. It applies mainly to the human race, but it is very apparent to me within our own nation, communities and even families.
As a child I grew up in dysfunction where this word was prevalent, more by actions yet commanded by speech. It was taught to me that I was expected do as I was told, not as I witnessed, or was modeled by the grownups. As I grew into adolescence I tried to use my voice I had begun to find and when I did, I was met with a sharp, stifling, cruel tongue. There was no place to be heard, feel, think, need or want. Anger and resentment consumed me as I walked through my days more oppressed and becoming more secretive about myself, practicing being invisible and trying not to be a burden. You perhaps thought I was stuck up as we used to say, or shy, but my reality was, I learned to be more quiet. Maybe your impression of me later in life was a level of confidence or even vanity, but honestly I was highly insecure and was seeking affirmations.
Years passed as I merely looked for a place where I belonged, was accepted and liked for just being me. There were a handful of you who may have been privy to the reasons of my chosen solitude because you had become trusted friends. I was beginning to accept crumbs and morsels for attention and affection and this was to sustain me. The days would eventually come when I escaped the daily torment of a variety of abusive situations. I thought I’d be ok each time as I ventured out on my own, away from the instability and destruction of me, but I quickly learned that I take me everywhere I go, along with all that baggage. I continued making choices that reflected upon how others would perceive me. I constantly placed my validation in the hands of all others.
Somewhere along those blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else’s opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I’d stick with throughout time, but I’ve learned that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction on this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. I’ve been silent for far too long.
Now, today as I speak of division, I do it with authority. The only cure I can see is drawing closer, listening and understanding, validating and accepting, but above all else, loving on purpose with all my heart. I have since declared dominion over my life. I’ve encouraged my 3 grown sons to speak their minds, their truth and bring it from the heart, but do it with loving kindness whenever possible. They each stand on their own convictions and stick up for their beliefs with little concern of other’s opinions, and for that I am proud. It takes great courage to say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Use honor and respect, with less judgement and reproach and remember, we are all human beings having a spiritual experience. Keep breathing in and remember to exhale…
Trembling through the fireYou taunted me todayI saw it in your eyesThat merciless desire Out of the oblivion you appearedTwisting along the country roadAlone with my thoughtsA familiar hand waving as I leered Suspicious of your calculated gazeMy throat caught a gaspNothing made senseAgain leaving me in a daze This shell has turned into dustWhat … Continue reading “Inner turmoil”
I don’t care to elaborate, but I digressThe leaders You chose to disciple are a hot mess From the Foursquare all the way to CalvaryThey stand before shouting the night away I hear them spew the Word hums of Your teachingStand pridefully up there practicing and preaching One ominous Sunday I heard the man expressHis … Continue reading “I am”
What the fuckI flip and I flopLike the hands on clockForward they moveStop in a groove You have my attentionBut waitMy obsessionDistracted by thisTortured by that Get up another dayTo tackle what’s newFace the oldEmbrace what’s askew Fuck my lifeIn this single momentLove what inspires meLet go of the torment Hold on to what’s rightTattered … Continue reading “Life is in session”
You taught me things about being your bestLoving myself was far from the rest You showed me what it was like to serve only youTo be selfless everyday pulling me through I surrendered to your lawsYou magnified all my flaws Convincing me you were after exceptionalWhen nothing less than perfection was acceptable You were a … Continue reading “Relentless patience”
There’s no other way to shake itlike a record stuck in its grooveround and round it spinsit has no other choice but to move Cursed by your demonsthe one you call masterleft to your own devicesfinding yourself running faster Contentment escapes youwrangling up another captivetruth prevails and is triumphant over evilrace towards the drama in … Continue reading “I am a child of God, you are the spawn of satan”
Dark as the full moon sits high abovePondering old thoughts thinking about love What does it all meanAnother sip of this warm toasted bean Only two hours from nowYou’ll hold your head and bow It didn’t have to be this wayThe pain you carry is what led you astray One final session fate in another’s … Continue reading “My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in Your love”
Remember not to forgetThat sweet sound of instant regret The war rages from the pitIgnited now from the remorse of it No bitterness in the voice you don’t wearLove rings through if you listen you will hear Rise up and shineGods Word is truly divine Apart blossoms growthTogetherness restricts the throat Let go and be … Continue reading “Hush baby girl”
One day you will; Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube Put a wrong seasoning on his steak Question his communication/sexting with that other female Stack the entire wood pile and it will be wrong Report any male interaction (which is not allowed anyhow) inaccurately Have your own thought or unwelcomed opinion Ask … Continue reading “The empath and a narcissist, the perfect storm of destruction”
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