Inner turmoil

Searching for peace…

Trembling through the fire
You taunted me today
I saw it in your eyes
That merciless desire

Out of the oblivion you appeared
Twisting along the country road
Alone with my thoughts
A familiar hand waving as I leered

Suspicious of your calculated gaze
My throat caught a gasp
Nothing made sense
Again leaving me in a daze

This shell has turned into dust
What do you repeatedly want from me
Flatten your destructive path wasn’t enough
Emptiness hollowed with it trust

Flashed quickly through my brain
These are the confusing thoughts
Stay in my rear view please
I’m jumping off that train

What more could I give
Everything you took
Received nothing in return
Times up let me live

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

I am

Meet me where I am 🙌🏼

I don’t care to elaborate, but I digress
The leaders You chose to disciple are a hot mess

From the Foursquare all the way to Calvary
They stand before shouting the night away

I hear them spew the Word hums of Your teaching
Stand pridefully up there practicing and preaching

One ominous Sunday I heard the man express
His own shameful ignorance and even less tolerance

It was in that sermon I knew in my heart
God You will meet me wherever I part

You cannot be contained my merciful One
Your grace blesses me and all that I have done

I am Your child as is she
Glory to You and all that we see

In short I forgive the flesh that is his coat
He is no more valid than a man or a goat

His words how they pierce
With a tongue plagued with fierce

I walked out that door no intention to return
Under my breath I mumbled let it burn let it burn

Since that day a few weeks have passed
My devotion to You continues to last

Intrigued by the notion bound to receive
I pledge my love to You because I believe

Your promises unfailing and love ever true
I’ll carry the message and bring it right back to You

And they all said…

🙌🏼

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Life is in session

For as long as I have a breath in me… 🌬

What the fuck
I flip and I flop
Like the hands on clock
Forward they move
Stop in a groove

You have my attention
But wait
My obsession
Distracted by this
Tortured by that

Get up another day
To tackle what’s new
Face the old
Embrace what’s askew

Fuck my life
In this single moment
Love what inspires me
Let go of the torment

Hold on to what’s right
Tattered and worn
Nothing left to fight

Just a sappy movie
Sit by my side
Time is of the essence
You’re missing the fucking ride

Grimace don’t smile
Fatigued
Run the extra mile

Can’t I just stop
No baby girl
Not until
You’ve reached the top

I’m ___ without you
A better man you could be
I hate every second
knowing you’re lost without me

and again and again…

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Relentless patience

Captive and kept

You taught me things about being your best
Loving myself was far from the rest

You showed me what it was like to serve only you
To be selfless everyday pulling me through

I surrendered to your laws
You magnified all my flaws

Convincing me you were after exceptional
When nothing less than perfection was acceptable

You were a blessing and then it was cursed
Everything calculated everything rehearsed

How you became the broken man I met long ago
Baffles me still in this game of the unknown

I’m hurting from this pain left in ruins of my heart
Wishing you would just stop tearing me apart

This unrelenting sadness devours me whole
Retreating to the depths of my wounded soul

Some days I taste the freedom from your grasp
Others I awaken and feel like this will last and last

Won’t you stop this insanity I don’t wish to play
Let me move forward stop taking my breath away

I had to go I couldn’t remain
In the dark and dismal place to glorify your name

What’s done is over put it all to rest
White flag of surrender this is not a test

All the while I felt the laceration
Breathless and shattered forever your complication

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Just scream into the void

empty space, mine

A wrinkle in time
Heart won’t slow
Eyes can’t stay closed
Set the clock to rewind

Listen can you hear me
I lost my breath out there
Extracted every emotion
Floating about feeling free

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

I am a child of God, you are the spawn of satan

There’s no other way to shake it
like a record stuck in its groove
round and round it spins
it has no other choice but to move

Cursed by your demons
the one you call master
left to your own devices
finding yourself running faster

Contentment escapes you
wrangling up another captive
truth prevails and is triumphant over evil
race towards the drama in order to live

Your breath is his power
fear feeds his oxygen
see him kick back and smirk
just to watch you do it all again

They panic and wage
spiritual warfare will ensue
my God is bigger
what more can you do

Your best shot is losing
the plot grows thick
letting your guard down
another one he tries to trick

They’re on to you
you’ll never be free
I on the other hand
finally get to be me

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

My fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in Your love

Dark as the full moon sits high above
Pondering old thoughts thinking about love

What does it all mean
Another sip of this warm toasted bean

Only two hours from now
You’ll hold your head and bow

It didn’t have to be this way
The pain you carry is what led you astray

One final session fate in another’s hand
Words you will never speak cover up your brand

The crime committed loving with my whole heart
Under your captivity ripped us completely apart

Be well until the end of your time
For me I’ll sit quietly and continue to rhyme

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

Hush baby girl

Enmeshment no longer 💔

Remember not to forget
That sweet sound of instant regret

The war rages from the pit
Ignited now from the remorse of it

No bitterness in the voice you don’t wear
Love rings through if you listen you will hear

Rise up and shine
Gods Word is truly divine

Apart blossoms growth
Togetherness restricts the throat

Let go and be free
Unshackle the cuffs allowed to flee

A simple hello a painful goodbye
Try to the death no more tears left to cry

✍🏼🧝🏻‍♀️

The empath and a narcissist, the perfect storm of destruction

🔥 💣

One day you will;

  • Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
  • Put a wrong seasoning on his steak
  • Question his communication/sexting with that other female
  • Stack the entire wood pile and it will be wrong
  • Report any male interaction (which is not allowed anyhow) inaccurately
  • Have your own thought or unwelcomed opinion
  • Ask permission to help your child, be told no and having it tear you two
  • Speak to anyone in public while by his side without permission first
  • Take initiative and always get it wrong
  • Not have all your thoughts gathered prior to asking him a simple question in the form of a request
  • Make any decisions without asking him first
  • Think you can use the bathroom without asking first
  • Forget to bring the lint brush to your inspection
  • Wear something/everything to please him
  • Speak casually about nothing in particular
  • Have emotions about something
  • Have feelings about anything
  • Provide self care that doesn’t suit him
  • Rest when there are chores to attend to
  • Do anything that might negatively affect him
  • The word no will be removed from your vocabulary then if there’s any implication of a pushback, and there will be and it will torment you that he has the last word and final say in everything pertaining to you

and when you do…

As I warn you of his darkest secrets, I can feel his hand around my neck, pulling my hair back with the other while he leads me to the bed where I would find myself bound face down, ankles tied to a dowel, rear end arched in the air, naked and exposed, completely at his mercy where he would begin administering his correction with corporal punishment by means of a cane, all the while asking why you did what you did, telling you to count down every painful swat as the lacerations trickle red fluid and you will weep and you will sob and you will be terrified to stay and tormented to leave and you will wonder if he means it when he says, I love my good little girl…so you stay, broken and defeated only to fall asleep and question… it all

You will wake up one day very soon, consumed with anxiety while confusion ensues and fear will rule your world and he will revel as you wriggle. He will coerce and convince you that you have a masochistic little girl deep down inside just to feed his sadistic appetite. He will take this as far as possible, insidiously it will overtake your world and then you will find it near impossible to escape as the pathways of your brain become trampled. You begin questioning yourself, believing his words and then you will disappear inside your mind, lost to yourself and the world you once knew.

He will invest in you in ways that make only him happy, so long as you worship and serve solely him and you don’t disrupt his intentions and goals to use you, possess and keep you for his property to use at his disposal, that way he can destroy you and you won’t know what’s coming.

You will unintentionally cross him, guaranteed, and he will call it catastrophic. The dismissals of you will begin. Each and every time he discards you, will be more painful the the last and he will do this, time and time again, until you become wise to him, then and only then will he begin his sick psychotic cycle again and every time he summons you back will be worse than the time before and this will become your bond of trauma, your life and none of it will be real, except his sickness of narcissistic abuse.

You will find yourself blasting My Immortal, singing it loudly and passionately to his absent self hoping he would feel, something, anything, as if he ever cared one single ounce for you, because he didn’t. He can’t. He’s numb.

He despised me using my voice in the end, unveiling his true ways and that truth is, I loved a malignant, sociopathic, covert narcissistic person for 9 years. One driven by his own pain and agony as the wretched demonic attachments linger and strangle his heart further.

I was his main fuel supply for his every erotic, sadistic thought and act, his deepest devotion only to his manipulation and domination. My fear was his oxygen, his control was my nemesis, destruction and demise. For any other on his radar, close to being in his clutches, entrapped by this ongoing calculated mode, he will assuredly lure you in as his next victim and flying monkey. Sucked in to perform his cowardly dirty work for him, beware. These are his only means of controlling what is the only thing that ever mattered to him and is now uncontrollable, and that my darling, is me.

✍🏼🧖🏼‍♀️