The tormented mind of an abused woman

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She sits alone with her thoughts, trying to figure out how she got here, to this dark and lonely place inside her haunted soul. Often wondering if she somehow deserved to be isolated, belittled, humiliated, beaten down and destroyed.

She has found herself unable to sleep again even though it has been 13 months since he pushed her out the door, no explanation or hesitation, yet he still manages to inflict the pain and torment just a little bit and then a little bit more.

As she stood between the door, where her confusing life had been for so long, and the empty darkness of the night, she asked him, “is this really what you want?” And with just 6 little words from his mouth, “I can’t get what I want”, she was banished once again, but this time for eternity. Now for the remainder of her days, she will consider all the possibilities of her wrongness, because after all, she’s spent her life believing the lies she’s been told of her value and worth. So easily discarded like a worn out little toy that no longer would serve any purpose, to him. She laid there with crushing thoughts, could they all be wrong about her, even him?

Little do they know of her true capabilities. She secretly dares them to underestimate her. She is always up for a good round of torture me and see. After all, they were her best teachers of that plot twist game and now she knows how to win. Watch the little men squirm this time as they now have to figure out the rules to this unsolvable mystery, the one he started, but the one she will finally win and end.

When did she become so secretive and clever? Why had she and how did she? By being their rag doll for all of those years. She paid close attention, took notes and now it would be their, his turn to stand and watch in awe of them, her braveness as they, she fiercely regains their, her control and power, the mighty gift they, she so frequently and freely gave away.

I do get to be dramatic today. It soothes and even comforts us, me to express and perhaps embellish a tad, but definitely to expose the truth of the matters. The affects of his, yours and their provocative ways upon my heart, stealing my essence as they desolated our, my soul without our, my permission.

Being devoted to an abuser is seemingly backwards, convoluted and plain sick to the average onlooker and we, I never cared much what you thought, only what he did. Your caring, concerned, compassionate expressions and even the occasional pleas for our, my safety were always going to be dismissed because our, my trauma bond was stronger than your love for us, me. Even the innumerable discarding of us, me throughout the years would all eventually lead us, me right back to his familiarity of destruction. It’s what we, I knew and kept us, me feeling safe, in those ravaging arms. Denial is a powerful mechanism all on its own. Don’t try to convince us, me otherwise. You just don’t understand loyalty, perverse as it may seem. It is what we, I know.

Fearful to leave, terrified to stay, his position of power lures us, me in as the continuance of this mind fuck game he plays engulfs us, me. Who’s the insane one? Really, we’d, I’d love to know.

Eventually we, I caught on to the insidiousness of this lifestyle he claimed as Master of the castle. It’s a ploy architected by the deceitful hands molding his sought after clay of prey. Once captured, he begins to create an image in his depraved mind. All the dimensions of which his new toy will begin to transform into started there.

First, he begins with our, my mind before moving onto our, my form. Rejecting little things at first, pretending to care just a bit, to make us, me trust him and then ashamed enough to get to work on these now, serious flaws that this hideous mind and body have become, in his opinion. In order to obtain the position of his queen in said castle, you, I must know your, my place. Then and only then can you earn it, but have no illusions little pet, you will never be fully kept in his elusive place of honor. You see love, there is no room for merely one queen next to this lord’s thrown. In fact, there’s no room for any solitary girl in his world, only the king of his own mind.

And so the story goes on, ashes to ashes he buries them, me alive. Alone might be better, one day, some day, not today…

🧖🏼‍♀️✍🏻 photo/art credit 📸 👆🏼

Author: Tammy Kay

Somewhere along blurred lines, my self worth was solely dependent upon everyone else's opinions besides mine. Past life would keep dictating this way of “living” for a very long time. Like a brick pathway, my belief system was cemented in and it established a flawed premise of which I had learned to stick with and live by. I have since come to understand that a belief is just a thought I continue to have. So brick by brick, I’ve begun the demolition and reconstruction during this process of becoming the most authentic version of me. For a lifetime this far, I have accepted the unacceptable, tolerated the intolerable and have remained in places far beyond their expiration date. After all, I had to stay with all my broken pieces. Now, I have been stifled for far too long. Freedom has bestowed upon me the use of my voice at last. Won't you join me on a new roller coaster of life as I navigate my way through this next part of my journey? I promise to share my experience, strength and hope from my heart with depth and truth. I guarantee I will write about difficult things, struggles and even pain, yet in the darkness a little light glows. Through inspiration, a glimmer will shine because I want to leave you a little better than when you first found me.

5 thoughts on “The tormented mind of an abused woman”

      1. I hope you don’t mind I shared your piece on my site. Better than I could have said it so I just had to. This will help so many women and men, mothers and fathers. What a gift to the world. thank you. This is why I write to bring awareness to our broken hearts and come together in shared story.

        Liked by 1 person

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